Saturday, December 31, 2011

New Years

Whenever we get to a new year people say stuff like "let's hope next year is better" or "goodbye to this awful year." Though it is true that each year is going to have good and bad it seems that the bad memories and experiences are the ones carried on into the new year. The new year is a new start, you now have 365 more days to do whatever you want. It is up to you to make it good or bad. Before we move on though I like to take a moment to remember the good stuff that happened in the past year because it never seems to be remembered. The bad experiences and memories are the ones that should be left behind, not the good ones. However, it seems to be the opposite.

Like mentioned in previous entries humans usually remember the bad over the good most of the time. Though there are exceptions, it seems to be the case. Especially around the time of new year. By remembering them, people seem to think they can leave them behind when the clock strikes midnight and the new year begins. However, one should not remember the bad but the good. As we go into the new year it is better to enter with a positive attitude.

I challenge is to enter the new year not wanting to leave the bad behind but as a time to celebrate the good that happened. It is better to enter something new remembering the good then wanting to not repeat the bad. It is a time for new beginnings but also a time to celebrate all the good that has happened.

Happy New Years!

Friday, December 23, 2011

The Little Moments

We all have those moments in life that when they are over we can only look back and have a want to relive them. They are usually the big moments in our lives that deal with life changing or monumental events. Due to to their vastness and greatness it is hard to not want to relive them. However, they are usually far apart from each other and scarce. A person usually has so many in a year. That is why I do not think it is the big moments that deserve the attention, but sometimes it is the small ones that do.

As the timer that is my high school career is coming to closer and closer to the end, it is hard to not want more of these big moments. As the "end" draws near a person wants to go out with a bang, some event that was worth the ride. Not only something that people will remember that person for but also something that person will never forget. I disagree though. Sure the big moments will cause the biggest responses and reactions but the little moments are, if not more, as important.

A friend of mine once told me "it doesn't matter what you are doing, but who you are doing it with," and I agree. Though big set piece events can be cool and fun, it is the intimate moments that leave the most impact. It is when we truly are ourselves and really connect with others. There is no big thing to pull people away in the small moments. It is just people being people and those are some of the moments that we hold on forever. The movie Zombieland had a list of rules to live by and one of those rules was Rule 32, enjoy the little things. As time in many senses draws nearer to the end try to enjoy the little things. Though they might not be as life changing as the big events they are more common and truly are special. You might not realize it at first, but looking back they are the moments that define us and the ones that leave our impact, and the impact of others on us.


Tuesday, December 20, 2011


It has been a while. Usually when I have writer's block I only have it for a week or so, but as you could probably tell it has been quite a bit longer than that. I apologize for the lack of posts. Ironically the blog's audience grew during my time of absence which was great but unexpected. The reason I have been gone though is not because I have had writer's block. There has been plenty I could write about. The issue was that everything that happened was just a repeat of something that had happened in the past.

As life goes on we notice certain patterns in our life. Certain situations just repeat themselves, kind of like deja vu. It is because as humans we usually act the same in common situations unless we make an conscious effort to grow out of them and react differently. If we do not, however, history repeats itself and things play out in a similar fashion.

That has been the issue lately. Nothing is bad, it is just nothing is too noteworthy because it is a repeat of something else. The best sequels to movies are not the ones that tell the exact same story but are the ones that contribute to the overall story arc. They create progress. If I wanted to do repeats I might as well just post old blog posts and change a word or two. That is the thing about life. You do not notice how much it repeats itself until you take a step back and really look at it. Repeating is not always a bad thing, in fact it can be good thing if it is something worth repeating. However, it does take the spice out of life and makes it quite bland. You need to take that step back and acknowledge it so you can grow. We all want to make progress in life and sometimes to do that you have to stop hitting replay and just hit play.


Sunday, November 13, 2011

Alice in Wonderland

As you might have noticed it has been awhile since I have written about anything. The truth is life got too busy. It was hard to find free time and even harder to get my mind in one place to be able to write about something. The main reason for this was because of my involvement in the school play I was co-directing,  Alice in Wonderland.  Its final performance was last night and like many shows when they end I now find myself feeling like a part of me is gone. This time though it is stronger than ever because of my position in it.

To start, the situation surrounding the show must be explained. To sum it up quickly, it was like trying to make a Hollywood blockbuster on an indie film budget. As a result trying to do many things tech wise was very hard and became a very frustrating process. Like any show we got to a week out and starting freaking. Thing weren't where they needed to be on all fronts and of course we all started freaking out about it. Sleep became a "when I have time" activity and classwork went down the drain. However like most shows do, it came together. In fact it came together on our final dress. Something just clicked among the actors and the rest was history. The show became a huge success and testament that the impossible can be achieved despite what stands in your way. The joke was that fate seemed to determined to crush it so there was no way it could not be amazing. The funny thing is that I think this was pretty accurate.

The reason it is so hard to let it go was for once I saw it from all sides. I cannot speak for my co-director (another student), but seeing how a show goes up from every angle is fascinating. Seeing all the stuff tech does is quite a sight and reminds you to not take sets, costumes, lighting, and sound for granted. Most importantly to me though, you see how actors grow. When you are the actor you never really remember the before and after of your performance. You just remember what you did at the shows, and sometimes not even that. However as a director you see how everyone grows and becomes the character. You see all the work they put in. You see the frustration and anger of course, but you also see the beauty that arises from it. You see the passion and determination from them and finally you see how they took the vision in your head and put it on the stage. It is hard to sit there during a performance and think to yourself how did this ever come to be. As a director you do not remember the before and after of your directing. To see it on stage is just a marvelous sight because you cannot believe it is there. How did simple letters in a script become this show? How did two students with brilliant actors and techies create this? Despite how weird but wonderful it feels to be creator of something so grand, when it comes down to it a director can only do so much with what it is given. If the people he/she is directing do not listen, a director is useless. However if they do, a director can create and make something beautiful. Something I was given the chance to.

If anything this is my last chance to grasp onto the show. To beat the impossible is something not everyone gets to do very often, so it is hard to not want to go back in time and relive it. However the nature of time means life goes on. This experience though has made me grow more than anything ever before. So thank you to everyone involved. None of it would have been possible without your passion and determination to create something people would love. Like I said before a director can only do so much, but everyone involved made it possible for as a director to do not only what needed to be done, but go beyond it. My thanks will never be enough for not only did my vision get created, it got created with so much love and care that I can never pay you back. Opportunities like this do not come any day, so to be able to be a part of one is a pleasure and a gift to me. None of this could have been achieved without the cooperation of everyone. The impossible can be beat as long as one believes.

“He was part of my dream, of course -- but then I was part of his dream, too.”- Lewis Carroll


Monday, October 17, 2011


As teenagers we do not expect the worse to happen to us. We view the world as a place full of endless possibilities that despite our actions will never result in dire consequences. The worse we think that could happen is maybe being grounded or suspended from something, but never anything past that. It is moments like this that make us open our eyes. 

This past weekend a girl at my school passed away. Though the reasons are unknown there is speculation that it was due to poor choices. It is moments like this that make us realize we are all human. As teenagers we view death as something that only happens to older people, not ourselves. As a result we act without thinking or do not do activities in moderate amounts. After all, worse thing that could happen is we get caught or feel sick for a day. Though her death is tragic and very sad it also serves as a reminder that we all are not safe from our own mortality. Though we think it cannot happen to us it can. Teenagers are no more immune from death than adults. We are all humans with the same basic biology. Poor choices still result in the same consequences despite the age.

Though it is sad and might seem like nothing good could possible ever come out of the situation, it is also a reminder to love and take care of each other. People take things for granted too much, myself included, and situations like this, though tragic, remind us that anyone can disappear at any moment. As a result we should all remember to love each another and not hate. You never know when your  words to a person may be the last. By taking care of each other it reminds people that they are loved and can possible prevent poor choices. It is also a time to celebrate life and what we have. Though she is gone, she is in a place that we can only assume is better than here. Her time was short but she will not be forgotten.

Most of the school did not know her personally, but the fact that so many people are sadden by her passing and are moved to express their respect and love shows that we can all love each other. This love brings groups together and puts away differences because down inside we are human. We realize that all the superficial things that divide us are pointless and unnecessary. We are all connected and it is shown by our love and support. Though she is gone physically she will never be truly gone. She will never forgotten, just missed.


Sunday, October 16, 2011


The concept of a trophy is basic. It is something one receives for accomplishing a task. It is the proof that someone in fact did do something and succeeded. It is a great feeling to receive one for it reassures a person's success in something and shows that the work did pay off. However if someone receives a trophy without the work is it still a trophy or something meaningless?

To get a trophy one must work for it. Like I said it's the proof that someone accomplished the task. So if someone is handed a medal without running the race does it lose its meaning? There are two ways to view it. The first is it indeed loses the meaning. It becomes an object with no substance so there is no meaning. There was no work to gain it so it is as special as anything else someone might own. In fact it can become a scar, reminding one that they truly did not gain it it was just handed to them. It can also remind them that they never fully achieved it or even accomplish the task. It can represent failure instead.

The other view is that is represents the complete opposite. Sure, a person might have not done a huge accomplishment to gain it but the fact they are receiving it shows that it wanted to be given to them. It represents a gesture that is rewarding them for something. Accepting it means nothing wrong. In fact it might make someone happier by accepting it.  The person has  gained something. It shows someone wanted to give it to them for they did deserve it. Much like a life long achievement award. There are no written credentials to get it, just a consensus that the person deserved it for what they did. They never directly worked for it, but instead indirectly did. If it makes them happy why would not enjoy it? It can be a trophy in a different sense.

Two very different views on a basic question. Obviously one is going to view it differently than another much like is the glass half empty or half full. It depends on the situation the person is in for when it comes down to it, the trophy is physically no different in both senses.


Sunday, October 9, 2011


An artist or creator of any kind whether it is a writer, a painter, a singer, an actor, an inventor, or a composer will tell you that to create something one needs inspiration. The reason is because without it things seemed rushed and forced. As a result the piece of art will never be as good. As you could probably tell from my hiatus, I have lost the inspiration again.

We all know how this works, I lose inspiration, I write about said loss, and then I magically regain it. It is like clockwork. Though I know the inspiration will come back those moments without it are scary. The reason is because when the inspiration is gone people feel like their life has lost the meaning and eventfulness it once had.

The cliche ending line when someone dies is that the person says "I lived life to the fullest." This usually implies that every moment was full of some meaning or event. It has been forced into the human mind that if you do not feel like you are doing something worth noting every moment you are wasting away the precious time that is life. These experiences and moments that are full of meaning whether good or bad and are what create the inspiration for artists or anyone that creates something. That is why when life is busy or eventful for a person works are put out constantly and never seem to lose their quality. However when this inspiration "dies" that is when the machine stops. This becomes scary because a person then starts to think their life has nothing special anymore or has lost its meaning. Much like a drug a person gets so use to the high that is inspiration that when it stops they think something is wrong. They think something has gone wrong. They think their life lost the energy it once had. They try to run away from it, not accepting the fact that the inspiration is gone for accepting seems to equal defeat in most people's minds. This however is not true. It only results in numbness and more of the thing they were running away from.

When the inspiration is regained all goes back to normal, however those moments without it make you feel like your mark on the world is gone. Much like the post before this, one feels like they are just part of the crowd. Their uniqueness is gone and nothing differentiates them. These moments are scary, but something will happen and the inspiration will come back. An event sometimes as simple as realizing you have lost the inspiration will help you regain it. Much like most things in life, the second you stop running away from an issue and face it, it will resolve itself at a much faster rate. Then thing will carry on again as normal.


Saturday, September 24, 2011

Uniqueness Not Specialness

Teenage angst, the feeling of loneliness, frustration, sadness, and existentialism all rolled into one. Recently it has seemed to appear more in people than usual. I cannot put a finger down on what is causing it but many people, including myself, seem to be going through transitions of some sort. As a result teenage angst has been high. One of the the vital factors of angst is the feeling that one is alone and is different from everyone else. As a result no one can understand or relate to that person. Coincidentally in my English class we have been reading existentialist works of literature. The big message my teacher is trying to teach us is that we are not special as human beings, but that we can be unique. I think this might be a cause of the angst.

As humans we for the most part want to feel different. We want to think we are better than everyone else is some area and therefore we stand out from the crowd, or become special. I think this is what causes teenage angst. The revelation that we are not special. We do not want to accept that we are just one out of 7 billion people out of 8 planets (Pluto is not one anymore) out of countless universes and galaxies. We are just a grain of sand on a universal scale. I think this helps cause teenage angst. It is caused by the brain unconsciously not wanting to accept that one is just another person. It does not want to think that its problems are universal. In a way it makes a person feel like they have conformed and lost their individuality. They want to feel like a person, not a crowd. Therefore they get angst, making them feel like they are separate from the crowd. It is when someone realizes that everyone has felt the way they do at some point of time do they transcend the unconscious and accept the fact that are not special.

However just because we are not special does not mean we are not unique. This is what makes us individuals. Special means something is better, while unique means something is one of a kind. As humans a person is one of a kind. There will be only one of a specific person (until cloning becomes a thing).  People need to accept the fact that although we are not special, that does not mean we just blend in with the crowd. It might seem contradictory but there is a difference. Be yourself and love yourself for that. However frustration and loneliness are universal feelings everyone has felt. Though you might feel edgy, cool, and different for thinking you are alone, you will only stay there. One must move past it to gain the true uniqueness they desire. I do not think this is the only reason people get angst, but one that most people do not seem to think about.


Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Lights (a poem)

The city sleeps while I’m awake,
I look out the window as the hours take.
The lights are bright and yellow in glow,
The sidewalk reflects the moments thrown.
The air is still and well refined,
Yet the wind cannot seem to untwine.
The night is silent and the stars are fair,
Though everyone seems to want to be elsewhere.
The people sleep and dream above,
Though their desires lean them toward what they love.
The choice is present, the choice is theirs,
But the comfort of the bed leaves no care.
The neon signs flash with might,
Though people seem to ignore the sight.
The lights reflect the window’s glow
As I sit in my bed looking below.


Monday, September 12, 2011

Old Patterns

We all have some old pattern. Maybe it is liking people who are similar or behaving the same to a certain situation. No mater what it is we seem to fall in these old patterns a lot. The question is why? Most of the time the term "old patterns" has a negative connotation. The patterns are usually old for they were something we did not like so we tried to move on and grow. Despite our hardest tries to move away from them we seem to fall back into some of them. The reason is they feel safe. We are so use to them we know we are not trying something out of our comfort zone. Maybe they are harmful to ourselves, but we just fall back into them because we know how to react to them and what to do. It feels "right." It however is not right. We call them old patterns because we want to leave them in the past and grow. It is like some force dragging you back. A force you have to constantly fight. However the struggle makes you stronger for it puts more force on you, a force you exercise to overcome. Breaking out of these forces is what perseverance is about. Once you get out of these, nothing seems to be able to hold you back. You have beaten the past, something that never wants you to leave. Anyway not super long, but sometimes a long essay is not needed.


Sunday, September 4, 2011

The Apple Tree

A little while ago a friend of mine told me an analogy she had about boys looking for girls. "Girls are like apples on a tree. The good ones are at the top, but boys are lazy, so they pick the ones off the bottom. They're the easy ones. but the good ones you have to work for." Now obviously this statement can be vice versa with girls looking for guys. I disagree though. I do not think the problem is people not working for the ones on the top and picking the ones on the bottom. The problem is that people spend so much time looking either up or down that they ignore what is in front of them. Most people when they have an opportunity for something with someone they come up with reasons why the person is not good enough. This is a defense tactic that I for once use a lot. As a result they constantly look up because they do not think anyone is good enough. Some people though has issues in their own confidence so they look down because they do not think they are good enough so they will take whatever is in their reach. Most people have moments of both of these. What people sometimes do not realize is that what they are looking for is right in front of them. It seems to be too easy to be true so people generally ignore it because it goes against society's norms on relationships having to be a hard thing to achieve. I am not always saying it is "the friend" like in any cliche romantic comedy, but sometimes the person we are looking for is just right there. We just do not want to accept it. Try looking in front of you sometimes. It might help you find something you did not see at first. At least it will give your neck a break from always looking up.


Sunday, August 28, 2011


"Enjoy heaven while you can, for eventually every angel must fall back to Earth and face the world again."

A line I recently wrote about the inevitability of life. How life always comes back around, how the good will balance out the bad, how every sea will have times of calm and storms. Life honestly is not a complicated thing, it is us who makes it complicated. We as humans make something so basic, something so vital all the more complicated. We make the bads, the goods, the ups, the downs, the shocks, and the relief. We create what is around us. No mater how different we think we all are though we make life inevitable. We are bound to create the whites and blacks and all the gray that is in between. If you take control though you can change the gray to any color you like.

I guess my advice is just be ready for it. Always be prepared. If something is bad try your hardest to believe that good is coming along because it is. Remember that life honestly is nothing complicated, we just make it that way. We make our own hells and chose to live in it. We also though can make our own happiness. It is all about the power of oneself. If you chose not to have the inevitability of the good coming to an end then you can do it. Life might have given you the canvas but you get to chose what colors you use.


Sunday, August 21, 2011


Once again that time of year has come. The time when summer ends and the school year begins. It is a time of sadness, excitement, confusion, frustration, and curiosity. It is a time of not wanting to leave the past, but yet wanting to see what lies before us. A time of discovery but leaving the comfortable. A time of reentering the norm but a time of change.

As exciting as this time can be, it can also be hard. A lot of people like to look back on things they have done and analyze it. With the end of summer comes the analyzing with the goal of seeing if you did everything you wanted. That is why people complain summer is too short. Not because it is, but because we hesitate too long to do what we wanted. It is hard not to feel like we spent too many days sitting at home when we could have been with other people exploring the world and doing something productive. As we enter the new "year" there are still questions unanswered and disappointments that haunt us. There is also the fear and anxiety of the the future. How will the year go? Will I enjoy it? Will I succeed? Will I do everything I want to do? People say you cannot live in the past or see the future and even though that is true we sure try too. We waste energy on the unobtainable instead on the present. We want what we cannot have anymore or yet.

I love phases of the day analogies. As cliche as they may seem they are the most truthful. Nothing is ever completely light and nothing is ever completely dark. There will be the inevitability of the other entering your life eventually. I view the end of summer like a sunset. Though the fun and light is leaving the night brings a different kind of beauty and eventually the sunrise. Though there might be the drag of school returning it will bring something beautiful with it. Yes it will bring bad things also, but everything is a two sided coin. You just have to learn to only focus on one side.

As we exit the summer we also leave with all the good experiences we had. All the places we experienced, all the friends we made, all the risks we took. Though we remember the disappoint for a bit it is always the positive that stay with us. Remember what you accomplished not that you did think it went by too fast. We must close the door that was summer and walk into the field of new opportunities. It will be a new journey. It might seem scary because for most of us it is closer to end, which is good and bad. Though it might seem mundane, dull, and just a requirement to get through life do not let it go by. Stay present and make the most of the ride. Besides all journeys have some reward at the end.


Monday, August 15, 2011


Life is full of  decisions. Heck everything a person does is a decision. Though some are bigger than other it is how we treat our decisions that make us who we are. It is how we learn and grow as humans. We learn from trial and error by seeing what worked and what did not work for us and our surroundings. A lot of the time though these decisions are not easy. The human is afraid for the most part of hurting others. Society has taught us that hurting others is a bad thing, which I believe is true. There is also the aspect though that when it comes down to it, it is your life and your well being. If you are being hurt by the decision you make, why are you making it?

Earlier I asked the question of why do I continue to want something that is only going to hurt me. Why would I continue to pursue something that will most likely end badly? Why do I want to see myself get hurt? If this thing hurt so much what point was there of holding onto it? The answer is I should not. If something is not treating you well why would you still want it? You might believe it is truly the only way to happiness but the reality is sometimes it is not. If things are meant to be they will happen, but why hurt yourself because you are afraid of going back to the beginning. Sometimes you have to hit restart. A person can run into a wall all they want but the truth is that it will not fall down. It will stand there as sturdy as it was before. The person on the other hand, will be tired emotionally and physically. It hurts not knowing what could have possible been behind the wall, but why face unnecessary pain for just a hope for something when there are plenty of other treasures to find. Treasures that require no pain to get them. It might not seem like it at the time, but I promise you there is. A person has to make the decision to move on to help themselves. They will have the wanting to go back and try again, but if they have given it all they could the first time, why would it work the second? It might be scary to have to face the process of starting all over again but it sure beats the pain, and besides the experience will only make you wiser for the next time.


Sunday, August 14, 2011

Bad Medicine

Rocker and seemingly immortal Jon Bon Jovi has a song called "Bad Medicine." The song is about the pain and warning that comes with falling in love with someone. Though not a great song in my opinion, in it there is a line that goes "Your love is like bad medicine. Bad medicine is what I need." Though the person's love is not good for you, it seems to be the only cure, much like a double edged sword. You are aware of how it will hurt you, but you cannot resist. You need it.

I think of myself very much in a situation like this. As the previous few blog posts have said there is a girl. I will not bother you with the details all over again but it has pretty much gotten to a standpoint now. I am waiting for her to still make a decision. I am trying to be optimistic but with so much more going on in my life it is hard to not lose interest and hope. I am fine with this, but every time we hang out I get completely dragged back in and cannot stop thinking about her. I then end up feeling hurt because I then face the realization of the situation afterwords and must fall from my high. I get frustrated and confused because I do not feel like she is being fair to me. There is nothing wrong with meaningless flirting, but it takes a whole new light when there is meaning behind it. All I want is an answer even if it is "things cannot work right now." In a way I feel used. I am aware this is going to happen so why do I let it continue?

Why do I continue to let myself feel used? Why do I let myself continue to get hurt? Why do I not just end it and save me some time and effort? I am not the only one who feels like this. I have friends who are in very similar situations. We all tell each other what to do, but do not listen to our own advice. We tell each other to end it, but when it then comes to our own situations we do nothing about it. It is not like we enjoy the pain. I think it is because we are overly optimistic. We seem to think that if you grab the rose by the thorns constantly, eventually you will forget the pain or the thorns will fall off. It is like running into a brick wall over and over again. It has to break eventually, right? The answer is no, and I think that is what we are afraid of. We are holding onto the slightest bit of light we have left, even though the sun went down hours ago. We do not want to face the dark because that is the norm. We want to feel like we have accomplished something for as long as we can. Feel like karma is rewarding us when really we should let go.

I am still sitting at my metaphorical bus station waiting for my bus. I am pretty sure the bus will not come but if it does I will probably not be happy about where the final destination is. Yet I still wait here in the rain, the snow, the heat, and the cold. I stay because every so often the weather turns pleasant and that is what I remember.  Is is worth sitting through days of storms for an hour of sunshine? No it is not. I should get up and find a new bus, which I know I will sooner than later. For the time being though I sit here waiting. Hoping that eventually the bus will at least let me know where the final destination is.


Sunday, August 7, 2011


In movies there is always a scene where the main character looks down and out. Everything looks awful and it looks like there will be way out of it. Something happens though and the character has a revelation and despite the odds he gets back up and fights for his cause. He "grows a spine."

After my last post about me being a Nameless Cowboy, I had the same revelation. As my previous post explained there was a girl, I like this girl, but decided not fighting for my cause was the best for her. Though I thought the post was very well written and personally one of my favorites, afterwords I still felt empty. Usually after I write a post whatever I was feeling regarding the situation relieves and I move forward. I however could not move past the feelings I still felt of disappointment and "what if?" I then had a moment of brilliance and realized what was wrong. If I liked her so much why did I not fight? Why did I simply stop just because I feel like it was my duty? Why did I not make it clear why I thought we were good for each other? Why did I simply just turn off the lights again and walk to another town? As a new found passion flooded me, I took a leap of faith and once again told her how I felt. The only difference being this time I pushed for us and was completely honest.

Now as of right now the results are no different. I however could not be happier with what I did. I fought for what I believed in and wanted and did not let my fears pull me down or redirect my course. I was honest, open, and most importantly myself. I was able to be more offensive without losing my kindness and caring for her. I said what I truly believed and did fight. I could not be more proud of how I handled it. I pushed for what I thought was true without having to attack the other parties. I remained the bigger man. I do not know however if things will work in my favor, but at least I can say that I tried and said it as it was.

The moral of the story is fight for what you believe in and what you want. It is cliche, I know, but it is the truth. You cannot be disappointed with yourself if you tried your hardest. If you truly care for someone or want something do not back down because of a challenge. However never lose yourself. If you lose yourself you have a chance of only causing more damage. You have to remain present and yourself or not you will push people away. You might still be disappointed with the result you get, but at least it was nothing you did. If you have feelings for something fight, do not give up. I might still be a Nameless Cowboy, but for once I did not leave without my presence known. I could list off more cliches like how you miss 100 percent of the shots you do not take, but I think you get the point. Be strong, be yourself, and be present.

An optimistic blog post, this has not happened in a while...


Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Nameless Cowboy

It is funny how after whenever I write an "Update" post I somehow miraculously end whatever it was that was holding me back. Of course this time it was a girl. There was a girl, I liked girl girl liked me. Girl had a boyfriend though so she was conflicted on what to do. After talking and debating what she should do for hours I shot myself in the heart and told her to stay with her boyfriend. Was it what I wanted? Of course not. Was it what she wanted? To be honest I am not sure, but at least I know she will not lose anymore sleep over it. There you go again, the curse of the nice guy. I put others before me and put what I need aside. I could have convinced her that I was what she wanted, but I did not because I did not feel it was right. She was so conflicted that I just wanted her to make a decision that would allow her to be alright. In the end the decision that was the easiest was obviously the one I was not a part of.

To be honest though I was afraid. It was the closest I think I have gotten to a relationship in a while. Though I have been on a date here and there, none of them got very serious. Maybe it was a fear because we did not live as close as I did with other girls, perhaps. I truly believe it was because I believed something could happen and the way I think is that I want what I cannot have and do not want what I can have. I think I was genuinely close to having what I could have and this scared me. Maybe that is why I did not argue my case as much as I should have, but I just did not feel it was right. If she wanted to be with she would have been with me. I did not need to fight for her affection. Feelings are naturally created not forced upon. I was not going to sit there and criticize her boyfriend, a man I met once, to prove I am the better man because I would not be. For once I had no control over what happened. The hurt will heal but I cannot help but be upset with the fact that I hurt myself. Maybe I did not shoot the gun, but I sure helped aim it at myself.

I once asked if I was the hero or the villain and I have decided I am neither. If I was the hero I would have saved her, if I was the villain I would have forced her to do something she did not want to do. Instead I am the nameless cowboy. I am the man who turns off all the lights in a city before I leave. I am the first one there, but the last to leave. I am the force people know but will never name or be aware of fully. People might sometimes notice what I do and appreciate it, but for most of the time it is for granted. I will always be there to help, but will somehow not feel whole. I will wander from city to city looking to help but am truly looking for a place to call home. Looking back on it I am still very upset with what I did. Any good romantic would have fought until the end. I gave up though just to be the nice guy. I helped her decide on what we needed but possible not what we wanted. I know my time will come but I hate being aware of the future and not the present. People say my day will come but then I only focus on the future, and if that is where I look all the time it will never become the present.


Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Issue Address/Update

I would like to take this post just to address a thing or two. One thing that has often come to my attention in feedback that I get is that I seem to group women together in one group and make assumptions. I would like to take this time to address this. For one I never meant for this blog to be a criticism of women. This blog is merely my thoughts and ideas based off my own experiences. Unfortunately most of my experiences have not been with the nicest of girls. Though I do have a lot of friends who are girls that I trust more than some of my guy friends, you always remember the bad over the good. So when I make statements as girls want the bad guys, there are obviously exceptions to the rule. So to my female readers please do not feel as if I am bashing you.

Secondly as any blog post that has the title "Update" in it, this is the part where I explain that I am not dead and am merely in the middle of something. Though I do not feel comfortable sharing to the world right now what is going on it is merely me just waiting for someone to find something they are looking for. Though it is cryptic, I know, I promise to explain more once it is over. Though I probably will not be writing anything about myself soon I would really love to answer some of your questions. So please ask questions at the blog's Formspring (link) and I will address them in my next post. Thank you once again for the patience. Believe me I know how much patience can wear on someone. Sometimes though you have to deal with it if you want the best possible outcome. Patience is like they say the greatest of virtues.


Wednesday, July 27, 2011

A Shade Darker (a poem)

A Shade Darker
The world has turned,
What use to be cool
Now simply burns.

A Shade Darker
The soul has taken,
What use to seem fine
Is now mistaken.

A Shade Darker
My speech is facing,
What use to have life
Is now breaking.

A Shade Darker
The light is changing,
What use to be pure
Now is merely infection.

A Shade Darker
Is my perception,
What I try to perceive
Is beyond definition.

A Shade Darker
There is a connection,
To a confused heart
And a mental transition.

Just some emotions I needed to get out.


Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Bad Guys/Legos

During the process of "Chicago" a few guys and I had a recurring joke. We would constantly break into a song called "Nice Guys" (video). The whole song is about how nice guys finish last because girls only like bad guys. Though the video is comedic there is a bit of truth. I do not believe that nice guys finish last, but for the time being they certainly do not finish first. Through the process of thinking about this I came up with a pretty good analogy.

Guys are like a Lego set to girls. Nice guys are like the finished model while the bad guys are like the pieces. Though the nice guys are what girls want, girls do not get the gratification of putting it together. Girls get to put bad guys together though. There will be frustration, maybe finding a piece or two is missing along the way, and even having to change sets entirely due to there being no way it can ever be put together, but in the end if they succeed they get the gratification that they created it. It was not created for them. The two ending models might be the same (maybe a piece different here and there) but the process of getting there is what intrigues the girl.

I like to believe people become more mature and realize that it is not the building that matters but what you do when the model is finished (whether they just put it on a shelf or actually have interest still in it). For the time being it sucks, an opinion I have expressed very much. Being a nice guy does not mean you are flawless, but rather you put others before you and know how to truly care. Life is a long race and one day the balance will change. As someone once told me "bad guys are the ones girls want to date, but the nice guys are who they want to marry." I know all girls do not share this thought but most of the girls I have known do. Is it fair nice guys get to miss out on a lot for the time being? No it is not. It is frustrating and hurts. As long as you continue to care and write sonnets and all those romantic things though one day someone will realize that is life's true calling. After all isn't love what keeps us going?


Sunday, July 24, 2011


I know when I started this blog I made a promise to not discuss anything too personal as it ruins the idea of my blog being able to pertain to everyone and that it just becomes an average journal. I must break this promise though because it needs to be done.

I just finished a production of "Chicago" that ran for four shows and had a month of daily rehearsals. To sum things up it was fantastic. The show was good for sure and it gave me a chance to really shine as a character actor, but that is not why the show was so special. The fact I cried for a good 15 minutes driving home after dropping off two of my friends for the last time is only a testament to how much I loved this show. Rarely do you get to work with a group of actors so talented but also so kind. From day one the group was accepting and loving.

Though I enjoy theater at my school I have always felt limited by it. Due to the fact I came in mid way through high school instead of the beginning I always felt like I never got a chance to be myself. Though many people in my theater are nice, they can be judgmental and as a result I never have been truly myself. The past month though I have been nothing but myself. For once I felt like I had no limitations. Yes there was a moment here and there of stupidity (and a situation that I was kicking myself about), but never did I feel like I was not myself. People liked me for who I was and no feeling is better. Everyone was supportive and always there for each other. So many friends were made that I hope I do not lose. I was able to be open to people I had not known for a while, and was able to share without judgment.

As I left alone in my car after dropping my two friends off, I could not help but cry. I was going to miss everything about the cast. Most importantly the love and acceptance of each other. I knew it was an experience that was going to be hard to find again but as I looked at the stars I could not help but think it can be found again. The beauty over took me and as the memories came back and the happiness I felt during the show the tears started to roll down. I was going to miss it too much.

I could go on and on for a long time about how much this show and the people meant to me but I do not wish to bore you. To make a super long emotional story short, thank you to everyone involved. You have given me the best theater experience in my life and reminded me to be myself. Though my exit music was played, I never left the stage. Though the last tear drop has fallen, the memories carry on.

"Good, isn't it?
Grand, isn't it?
Great, isn't it?
Swell, isn't it?
Fun, isn't it...
But nothing stays
In fifty years or so
It's gonna change, you know
But, oh, it's heaven

Thank you and much love. I can never return to you what you have given to me.


Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Good Morning and Good Night (a poem)

Good Morning and Good Night.
Despite the differences of dark and light,
I still find myself somewhere not quite right.
Good Morning and Good Night.

Good Morning and Good Night.
Though I am reacting because of fright,
I hope someday I will find the sight.
Good Morning and Good Night.

Good Morning and Good Night.
Though I promised the world and all my might,
The answers I still get are very tight.
Good Morning and Good Night.

Good Morning and Good Night.
I still search to find what's mine,
Only to see it come untwined.
Good Morning and Good Night.

Good Morning and Good Night.
Though the truth is in the light,
I will still try to fight tonight.
Good Morning and Good Night.

I would give an explanation of the poem, but what poet ever clearly leads the way?


Saturday, July 16, 2011


It seems to be whenever someone views their life they seem to be the hero. They seem to be the one that fights the evil, represents the good, and destroys the bad. They are the one with everyone's (minus the bad guy's) best interest at mind. They are the knight in shinning armor. What happens if you are not the hero but rather the villain? What if you view your life through the eyes of someone else and see what you are doing is selfish and destroying something someone might not possible want to destroy. What if you are the one knocking down a wall that does not seem to want to be destroyed? The wall might have a sign saying it wants to be destroyed, but if the owner does not allow you are you at fault for attempting anyway? Is it your fault that the owner had mix feelings but you decided getting rid of it was for the best because you will have a view of everything beautiful past the wall? Is it bad to assume that the owner will see the result as more beautiful? Are you the villain or the hero in disguise?


Sunday, July 10, 2011

The Idea of a Man

What is a man? According to the dictionary it is "an adult male," and a male is defined as a human with one X and one Y chromosome instead of two X ones. In the dictionary manly is defined as "having or denoting those good qualities traditionally associated with men, such as courage and strength." That is the text book definition of what a manly male is. A person with a Y and X chromosome who has male traits such as courage and strength. My question is why has society screwed up such a basic definition to almost unreachable standards.

In today's society to be manly you have to be tough, like sports, athletic, strong, and etc. The image of being manly has become totally askew. Usually I would not care about this. I have gone through my period of trying to be "manly." In the process I almost lost all my friends and myself. It was a dumb period that I am ashamed I did, but I felt so "wrong." I felt bad that I rather take an acting class than play football or watch a few movies with some friends instead of going out and partying. At the time (about 4 years ago) I was ashamed of this. However now I am not. It is who I am and I have no problem with that. My problem is that because of this I do not fit the deinition of manly and then fall into categories that I am not. The most prominent being gay.

Now first off I have nothing against people being gay. One of my best friends is and this has never changed my views on him. I only have a problem when people falsely judge me and put me automatically into a category that I am not. I will be the first to admit that I am not the most "manly" looking guy when compared to today's standards. I am tall and slender and do not have a whole lot of muscle. I am lean, but not built. I also am open about my emotions and have no problem being there for people and enjoy theater and so on and so forth. Just because I am not "manly" though does not mean I automatically must be gay. It is a first impression most get of me and is a big reason I know of why I can fall into the friend zone. It is very upsetting. Does it make me any less of a man that I enjoy writing about the world and my feelings on a blog instead of watching a sport's game? The answer is no. I am not saying that people who are gay are less than of a man, but unfortunately society does not always have the same views as me. The fact someone can think I am gay and when they learn I am not still believe I am and am just lying to myself is hurtful (this has happened to me before).

The fact that while writing this blog post I am thinking "gosh this is only going against my point because I am being pretty feminine" is just sad. Why does society have to be so ignorant and narrow minded? I have no problem with who I am, but it is hard when first impressions of me are completely off. Being a man use to mean being a gentleman, a definition I try to live by. Being a man now just means being strong and big and showing no fear, kind of like a brick wall.


Sunday, July 3, 2011

The Movies

A man walks into a party. He is awkward and shy. He quietly sits by himself until a girl shows up. The girl is lively and full of energy. She shows interest in him. They walk away together. They fall in love. The end.

Now if that sounded like a movie to you it is because it was. How often in life does a girl find interest in the awkward one sitting at a party? Especially an attractive foreign girl. The answer is not very often from what I have seen. It never seems to happen this way. Everyone is aware of it, yet I am still drawn to films like "Beginners" and "500 Days of Summer" though the practicality of anything ever happening like it does in those movies are slim to none. Yes the break up is truly believable, but the chances of the awkward emotional guy finding love within seconds never seems to happen. I guess I really just love the idea of love. I have talked before about why I love the idea of love so I will not repeat. The movies just make it seem to easy. Yes there is heartbreak so it seems believable but what are the chances of a completely opposite girl finding interest in a guy at first glance. I leave those movies in a bit of a confused emotional state. I just want love to be that easy. I want the foreign girl to like my awkwardness and have a dog that speaks through subtitles. I want the feelings of bliss within seconds of meeting each other. I want the feeling of "the one" within the first few dates. Love is not easy though and I know that. It is nice to think that sometimes it could work out well so easily and fast without forcing something that is not there. It is a long shot I know and makes me a definition romantic to the extreme, but a man can believe can't he? I think the subtitled dog is plausible though. 


Saturday, July 2, 2011

Update/Recurring Nightmare

Hey I am back. Actually I have been back for almost a week now but I am finding myself in another writer's block. It just needs time to past but I feel bad that I have not posted anything in over a week so I am going to talk about a little something that happened.

Everyone has a recurring nightmare. For some it could be drowning, being chased, or being naked in a store. It is our worst fears that our subconscious brings to life. Though I have had all sorts of recurring nightmares (especially being chased) I have one that appears more than others.

I am at a theater of some sort, usually back stage. Just as I am trying to grasp what is going on someone tells me I must go onstage to perform a role or cover for someone. I never know the lines and start freaking out. I get scared and nauseous. It is a pretty basic nightmare. It is just a typical case of not feeling prepared and not ready to perform. It is awful to be onstage and not know a line. I had the same nightmare last night but it was different.

Instead of me freaking out, I went onstage and just improved my lines even though I had no idea what the show was about. It turned out to be a success and the audience loved me. Though it might seem not that important maybe this is a sign I am moving on past old fears and taking more chances. Just food for thought....

I apologize once again for the lack of posts, but I figured just posting more pictures would be cheap. I will try to write more once I can. You can ask questions at my Formspring which will help me think of more ideas and give you answers.


Sunday, June 19, 2011

Tears of Ashes/Departure

I will be gone for the next week at a conference so I will most likely not be able to update. I however do not want to leave without giving you guys a little something. The following are some lyrics to a song I wrote about two years ago. They are not perfect and need revision but I think is something cool to leave you guys with for a few days until I get back. Enjoy!

Tears of Ashes
Dark circles under her eyes
From the ashes that she cries
Paleness over her face
No time to sleep, no time to wait
Considered changing the way she is
But she likes being a martyr for her sins

She says the dark is her favorite part of the day
Things get worse before they get better
She does not wanna wait for that day
So she will live on with the pain
Only if she would accept the love I try to give her
Instead she runs away and stays in her shelter
And lets the tears run down her face
The tears of ashes that leave a trace

Ripped jeans with burns on the knees
She finds no need to get them clean
Reminds her of her broken dreams
Burned into flames as she weeps
The fuel for her tears that disappear
As her true fate draws near


I try my best to help her through
But its hard with all the smoke rising from her wounds
The glass on the floor just makes many reflections
And makes it hard to find the right direction
She will get out of this trap
Once she stops designing them herself



Monday, June 13, 2011

Losing My Mind/Summer/New Page

"I'm losing my mind" were the words a friend recently spoke to me. Basic and to the point. It seems like everyone recently is. Couples that were together for a long time are breaking up, people cannot get over their pasts, people are lost within themselves, and overall everyone is in a funk. I am not different from the rest. I am finding myself in a weird place recently. A place between disappointment and acceptance. I said spring was the season for love, well now it is summer and with it comes change. Summer seems to put more pressure on people and as a result push people to their limits. I was telling someone that I just discovered that life is not about knowing everything but rather it is about knowing how to get through it. Now that there are no distractions from school everything comes into the light more. Things that were buried  within people now seem to surface. As a result people find themselves lost and confused or like my friend said "losing their minds."

I also see this period as a time of new beginnings. As the story goes the phoenix is born from the ashes. All this old stuff needs to come up so we can destroy it and start fresh, or as the cliche goes "turn a new page." It is unfortunate that a lot of people right now feel lost and out of place but it is only so we can face our old buried issues. A person needs to acknowledge them, learn from them, and leave them and move on. You cannot keep on putting things in a closet if it is already full. I view summers as the time for a person's own spring cleaning. Though it is not spring it is time to get rid of old baggage and move on. It requires time and patience, something many of us do not we believe we have. We do though, people just need to focus on what is coming up and deal with it.


Friday, June 10, 2011

A friend found this picture recently. I do not know why but it meant a lot to me. Maybe because it is "Calvin and Hobbes"my favorite comic strip or the fact they are looking into the stars, the unknown. Even though I know this quote by heart it still made me happy and sad (in a good way) when I saw it.


P.S. Before I receive angry letters I realize my blog's name and quote in the picture are different. I do not know why but the quote varies depending on the source. Some say "intended to be" while others say "needed to be."

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Fictional Identification Part 2

A long time ago I wrote about how I identified myself with the character John Dorian (J.D.) from the show "Scrubs." In the post I talked about how I identified with one other character also. Today I finally conclude on my promise of eventually writing about it.

Tom- "500 Days of Summer"
To start off, the movie "500 Days of Summer" is one of my favorites. I consider it a guy's chick flick. Girls watch chick flicks and connect with the sadness and unfairness the lead girl is usually facing. Guys watch "500 Days of Summer" and connect with the sadness and unfairness the lead guy is facing. The movie is about a character named Tom and his relationship with a co-worker named Summer over 500 days (roughly a year and a half). The movie shows the beginning of the relationship, the relationship at its high points, its decline, the break up, and then the aftermath. This might not seem any different than most romantic movies but the kick is that you feel bad for the guy and not the girl.

This is why I relate with Tom. Both of us are people who try to see the love in most things. In the movie Tom immediately believes he is in love with Summer once they start dating. I too also try to find the love in most things. Though I might not think this is the woman of my dreams like Tom does, I try to see the most optimistic outcome once I am with a girl. We both believe people will react the same to us because it is second nature to us to be nice and see the beauty in things. This ends up only making us more vulnerable and getting hurt worse when things do not go well in the end. He and I also hold back from pursuing a girl due to our fears. Tom only really starts to talk to Summer after she has worked at the office for a few weeks. I really do not start pursuing a girl until I am sure she has some interest in me. Though I relate to Tom, it is the situation I relate to the most.

In the movie Summer starts drifting away from Tom and eventually breaks up with him. She does not seem to show much remorse and wants to be just be friends and eventually just moves on. He feels used and betrayed. I feel like most of my situations with girls have been like this. I feel like girls lead me on and I start to feel connected to them. I open up to them and think in return they will. I think things will end well. They usually end up turning me down and pull the friend card (note to ladies: this is the last thing you ever want to tell a guy). It results with me feeling used and hurt much like Tom. I feel like I was just another object to them. Though it is my fault for giving girls so much of myself for them to hurt it is only because I expect them to act the same. If a girl is showing interest I believe she usually wants the same thing I want, a mature relationship of some sort. Both Tom and I believe people are as open to love as we are. In the end though we heal from the hurt and learn. We do not stop being optimistic once we heal and hold onto our beliefs.

That wraps up my planned fictional identification piece. Later on if I really feel like I connect to another fictional character I will post it. If you wish to read part 1 you can read it here.


Sunday, June 5, 2011

Self Quotes

"No, I am not stupid. Here is the thing you are an amazing girl. You bring light to my darkest days and make me happy and feel like I am whole. But I am not dumb; life is not like the movies. Sometimes things work out but a lot of the times it doesn't. Life is unpredictable. Hell you might not even like me. I can be optimistic though and hope you want what I want also. But I am also realistic. Life doesn’t end with rain scenes where despite all hardships something carries on. It would be nice but life can be a bitch and I know you of all people can understand that."

1: "We all feel hurt or hurt someone else eventually. We just learn how to manage it or do it less."
2: "I don't."
1:"You are 16, do you really think you should have learned everything by now?"

All quotes by myself based off of life.


Sunday, May 29, 2011

Main Character

In life we are the main character. It is only simple and natural. We live life through our eyes so we became the central character because we are everywhere. Life is based around our goals and our desires and wishes. We hear our internal thoughts and things seem to work around us. We are the main character. What happens when you are not though?

Whenever a person sees one they usually think about how that person has affected and changed them. Whenever I see someone though I think about how have I affected them. I do not see myself as the main character of my own life. I see myself as the support for other tales. I see myself as the mentor and the wise man. The character that is there to help others realize their own potential and story. I am not saying it is always like this. In fact right now I do have my own story going on with its own little cast, but I seem to think I am involved in too many other stories to be my own main character. Its niche I think some of us fit. The niche being the mentor. We are here to help, but do not seem to see much advancement in our own tales. We only further the tales of others.

Some might say it is because we have reached the climax of our tales, but I do not think so. There is no way a high schooler has learned all that there is to learn. I think it is because our tales need a little more than the occasional plot point to move forward. We rely on the big revelations and moments. We also seem to be the most aware of what we want, so when we are not heading toward it, it does not seem like our story is going anywhere. We seem to be still until something big happens. Until then our own story seems to be about how we affect others, not how we are making progress.


Saturday, May 28, 2011


This post is a response to a comment on a post I made a few days ago. Someone asked me a question. The question was simple and to the point. The question was "what are you afraid of?" The answer is quite a few things. We all have those little fears. Those fears that might appear stupid to others but are really scary to the person. Like for instance I am afraid of being robbed and snakes. They are small and dumb but I have them. Those fears do not run my life though.

I am afraid of bigger things on a more personal scale. I am afraid of pushing people away,  losing control, not being accepted, and ultimately being left alone. They are not creative fears, but they are fears I have the most. They all actually come from a simple thing that happened to me as a child. When I was little I had a friend. She was a girl and was truly my first love. We were best friends for years and hung out every day. Around the end of elementary school though she decided she needed more friends who were girls and simply just left me. I was devastated. My best friend, the girl I loved, just one day left. I was young though so I did not know what happened. As a result I thought it was my fault. I thought I did something wrong that pushed her away. I thought I was flawed. In reality I did not. I had no control over the situation. When my biological mother became sick with alcoholism, I thought it was once again me. This was merely a year or so after my best friend leaving so once again I thought I did something that pushed them away. Ever since I have had a fear of pushing people away and not having control. It is the reason I become paranoid while pursuing a girl. I think any action might push them away. I think everything is my fault whenever something goes wrong with a girl. I take all the blame and assume it was because I was too needy or too aggressive. I fight to have control to prevent this. I wish to be accepted so I feel like I am not flawed. I want love so I know someone is there for me who accepts me for who I am. Someone I can truly depend on at all time.

Now, I am not as bad as I use to be. I have learned to accept not everything is my fault or in my control, but it is hard. When you go through childhood trauma you want control so you can prevent heartbreak again. It is funny to think a lot of this was caused by one girl.....


Friday, May 20, 2011


Today a girl I know told me about how she is afraid because all the seniors are done with high school and soon they will be off in college. The mater of fact is she is afraid of change. She is afraid of it because it can hurt you because people you love can leave. Here is the thing about changes. We as humans hate not having control, so when we finally grasped something to only see the situation change again it scares us. What we were comfortable with has disappeared and we must work again to regain that security. The thing about change is that after a while the change feels normal and becomes what we would consider as the basis of our comfortableness. Change is only natural. Without it nothing would get done, nothing would grow, and the world would be still.

The second part of the problem was that the people she loved were leaving. Up until last year I had not seen my biological mother for six years. To this day I only see my brother once or twice a month if I am lucky. Though they have left in a sense, they never did. If you truly love someone they never leave. You carry them in your heart and remember their love. You also remember they will come back eventually in some form or other. Though it might hurt, if you truly love them you let them go and hold them in your heart. If you remember them they are never gone. It sounds cheesy, but it is true.

There is a line in "The Fantasticks" that goes " without a hurt the heart is hollow." We all need to hurt eventually to grow. It is what makes us human. A person needs to accept the change for they cannot prevent it. A person can fight the current but it will eventually tire them out and carry them along. If a person just goes with the current from the beginning they will be able to admire all the beauty around them for they will not be tired.

"Try to remember when life was so tender
That no one wept except the willow.
Try to remember when life was so tender
That dreams were kept beside your pillow.
Try to remember when life was so tender
That love was an ember about to billow.
Try to remember, and if you remember,
Then follow."


Thursday, May 19, 2011

Soon It's Gonna Rain- A Lesson in the Power of Unity

Tonight the show I was in ended. After a two night run, selling out the first night and over selling the second night, our show, "The Fantasticks," ended. Though it was a small student directed musical the show taught me a lesson. The lesson being never lose hope. About a month ago all of us had given up on the show. It was not getting anywhere and we felt doomed. In fact up until a week ago we still did. We decided the show was doomed so we went out and just had fun. As a result magic happened. Everything that was wrong was fixed, the audiences grew, and overall we got remarks saying the show was one of the best student directed shows ever. In the show there is a song called "Soon It's Gonna Rain." We all know I have an obsession with rain, so of course I loved this song. Tonight after our final show was over, I walked outside with my suit jacket hanging over my shoulder into a downpour of rain. I just smiled and let the feeling of bliss take over. This show taught me never to lose hope. As long as you believe, things will happen the way they should, despite all odds. In the end there is a happy ending.

"Hear how the wind begins to whisper.
See how the leaves go streaming by.
Smell how the velvet rain is falling,
Out where the fields are warm and dry.
Now is the time to run inside and stay.
Now is the time to find a hideaway
Where we can stay.

Soon it's gonna rain.
I can see it.
Soon it's gonna rain.
I can tell.
Soon it's gonna rain.
What are we gonna do?

Soon it's gonna rain.
I can feel it.
Soon it's gonna rain.
I can tell.
Soon it's gonna rain.
What'll we do with you?

We'll find four limbs of a tree.
We'll build four walls and a floor.
We'll bind it over with leaves,
And run inside to stay.

Then we'll let it rain.
We'll not fell it.
Then we'll let it rain,
Rain pell-mell.

And we'll not complain
If it never stops at all.
We'll live and love
Within our own four walls.

We'll find four limbs of a tree.
We'll build four walls and a floor.
We'll bind it over with leaves,
And run inside to stay.

Soon it's gonna rain.
Come run inside to stay!
Soon it's gonna rain.
For soon it's gonna rain.
I can see it.
I can feel it.
Run inside and...

Then we'll let it rain.
We'll not feel it.
Then we'll let it rain.
Ran pell-mell.

And we'll not complain
- Happy ending...
If it never stops at all.
Then we'll let it rain.
Why complain?

We'll live and love within our walls.
Happily we'll live and love,
No cares at all.
Happily we'll live and love
Within our castle walls."


Tuesday, May 17, 2011


As you may or may have not noticed my blog now officially has a logo. I would like to say I made it, but my graphic design skills are no where that good. The logo was made by a friend named Bart. If you are reading this Bart I am very grateful to you. The idea of the logo was to represent each of the seasons and how they flow into each other and are in return truly one. This can be seen by the bleeding effect into each other. I then had the the letters "W", "I", "T", and "B" to represent the title of the blog. These letters and the seasons are held together with a giant "I" showing overall life is about the loving the individual and accepting oneself and in return truly being at peace. My blog is about the journey of oneself through life and the experiences one learns and the logo represents this perfectly. I hope you enjoy the logo as much as I do.


Friday, May 13, 2011

Writer/Emotional Block

As many of you may or may have not noticed, I am not updating this blog as often as I usually do. I could blame it on being tired or not having enough time, but no, that is not why. One reason I love this blog is it gives me an area to think and express what I am feeling. As a result though, I find it hard to write entries without some kind of meaning or personal emotion behind it. Recently not anything major has really been happening, and as a result I have not been able to find things to talk about. Yes, I have found things, but nothing I can put meaning behind. Without meaning words are just words, with meaning though it turns into literature and art. A reader can notice when there is meaning or not. It just feels different. As a result I do not try to post unless I "feel it." It is one of the reasons I have lots of drafts of posts I never shared. Maybe I will talk about some of the "lost posts" some day. So please hang with me. Next week I should have something pretty cool and new for my blog that I am very excited for. Watch me after this post have a million ideas of what to talk about. It always happens that way. Writer's block.


Sunday, May 8, 2011

Formspring Responses #2

Once again not many questions, in fact only one, but here we go.

Q: I've really wanted to see what your like. I've read your blog, and I really think we would get along great. We both have the same insight, and thoughts. I really find you quite interesting

A: Thank you for the kind words. If you think like I do I bet we would get along great. I hope you keep on reading my blog and in return will find out more about me.

Please asks any questions you might have at the blog's Formspring. Please do not be shy.


Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Lost in Translation

We are all lost in a way. We are all just waiting to be found by others or by ourselves. We all sometimes feel like we are not where we belong or like we have control on where we end up. The day will come when the compass will show the way. That day does not always come fast though. The best thing to do is to look into yourself and follow your natural direction. As long as you follow what you believe is true, you will be found. It might not be where you intended to go, but it will be where you intended to be.

"I just don't know what I'm supposed to be."
"You'll figure that out. The more you know who you are, and what you want, the less you let things upset you."
- Lost in Translation


Monday, May 2, 2011

Next...(a poem)

The world keeps on turning,
The answers do not call
Everything will be blurry
Up until next fall.

The path will not be easy,
The truth will not reveal,
You will see a little clearer
When next winter seems to appear.

The days will become longer,
The snow will melt away,
The signs will begin to show the tale
When next spring tells the way.

The flowers will start to bloom,
The rain will come on down,
The world will seem to fall apart
Up until next summer's sound.

The clouds will move apart,
The sun will make it clear,
The answers you have looked for
Have always been right there.

Just a little poem I wrote in a few minutes.


Sunday, May 1, 2011


It is hard to not be a little melancholy after a show ends. Tonight was the last night of our schools performance of the play I was in. We went out with a bang, and I am so proud of it. Though I am so happy for all we accomplished in the show, it is also sad to see it go. It is hard to say goodbye. I think the reason is because it is disappointing in a way that after weeks of hard work our creation only lasted for two hours for three nights. Once it is over, only the memories and programs are the evidence it ever happened. The one thing I hate most about shows ending is that friends go separate ways. Friends are formed during shows for you are forced to spend weeks with the same people. After the show is over though, real life kicks in and that mutual place you use to spend with those people are gone. Everyone ends up going back to the real world. A world where you do not always see the people from the cast. That mutual area no longer exists. All you have are the memories.

It is hard for humans to let go. But there is a difference. To let go does not mean forget. As long as we remember the good, appreciate the experiences we had and the lessons we learned, nothing more can be asked. Yes it would be amazing to do 500 more shows, but after a while the magic would be lost. That is the beauty of high school theater. You only get a few shows to capture the magic and bring the story to life. The beauty is that the magic never gets lost though.

One of my favorite quotes is by Dr. Seuss. The quote goes “don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.” So this is my farewell to the show. Though I will be sad and will miss it, I also will not forget how lucky I was to be part of such an amazing show. Though I will be in more shows in the future, you have to capture the beauty of every moment and hold onto it, for in the end it is all we have.


Friday, April 29, 2011

Almost, Maine/Downside

In the spring our school does two main stage shows. I am currently in one, hence why I have been very busy. Tonight I saw the other show, "Almost, Maine." "Almost, Maine" is a collection of scenes that deal around love is the town Almost, Maine. The show covers most elements of love from new love, to the loss of love and anything in between. It was a great show and I am very proud of everyone in it. The show though is ultimately happy, but it has its moments of sadness. For instance in one scene two characters discuss their failing marriage and in the end the wife leaves him alone at an ice rink, despite making the audience think they might work through it. I would not call these moments sad though. In fact they were honest. I really loved the show in that it never felt unnatural. Though it got silly and at some points predictable, it still stayed true to basic emotions. The show also makes you think as an audience.

One scene starts with a couple sitting on a bench with the female talking about how she loves that they are so close. The man replies that they are technically as far away as they can be as if they go the other way there is a whole world in between them. The females stands up and walks away leaving the man on the bench. Throughout the show we see scenes of him just waiting there for her, hoping she will come back. In the end of the show, the female walks in from the other side of the stage and sits on the opposite side of him showing she walked around the world to be close to him.

Though the ending was happy, in a way it made me sad. I started to think about how many of us truthfully have others that would do that for us. Now I know it is not realistic to walk around the whole world just to be close to someone, but at the same time how many of us have that kind of intimacy. I know I do not. It saddens me. I know talking about the same problem over and over again does nothing to help it, but I cannot help it. I live a very happy life, but I ultimately feel used by girls. I also am tired of being alone and wished for once I did not have to do all the work to find something and try to make it work. I know a lot of it is based off of past childhood trauma, but it does not help ease the issue.

I talk about how I am a romantic. I never have though really discussed its bad side. Because romantics see the beauty and potentiality in anything, we always get hurt more. We take any opportunity as a sign, and when it does not work out we feel destroyed. We open ourselves up only to be rejected. This is why I cannot have random hook ups or anything like that for I crave the intimacy. I cannot do something if I do not feel or have that connection. Yes, it is not considered "manly" by society's culture, but then again when have I ever thought society has been right.

Maybe I hope someday girls will read this blog and start appreciating the romantic in every guy. Finding a decent relationship in high school is hard, and even harder when you are considered too mature regarding emotional intelligence. It is a shame most of us have to hide it. It shows vulnerability, but it also shows beauty. Like I said, in the end she walks in from the opposite side of the stage. The opposite direction of where he had been looking. Maybe that is my problem. I am looking in the wrong area.


Thursday, April 28, 2011

Benches- I am marlon

A beautiful photo by I am marlon. I love the use of turquoise in it and the reddish glow of the sun in the back ground. It creates a contrast and reminds us that there is beauty even after the sun is gone. There is beauty in even the darkest of times. It can also represent the coming of the sun and the bringing of light to show the beauty of the situation. What do you think?

I am pretty busy this week, but I will try to post something else by the end of the weekend. Like always submit questions at the blog's Formspring so I can answer your "burning" questions.


Sunday, April 24, 2011

Formspring Responses #1

As many of you may or may not remember, a few weeks ago I talked about an idea I was hoping to implement. I wanted to start a weekly response section where I either answered questions readers asked about me, or advice for themselves. Unfortunately, I only received a few and for a lack of words, they sucked. Within the past days though I finaly got a good one, so I can finally start this response section.

Q: In your blog, you are described as a hopeless romantic. To those around you (and I have been around you several times), you are not anything like the person you are inside your blog. So my question to you is why?

A: To clarify I call myself a "hopeful romantic" not a "helpless romantic." There is a difference. The reason I am not like the same person outside of the blog is because these are my deepest thoughts. This is where I am most open and as a response, philosophical. It is also where I can be most vulnerable. If I was like this all day, yes it would be nice, but after a while too much of anything becomes annoying. I have to find a good balance between just being a teenager and then the person I am in my blog. I am philosophical and a romantic when it is necessary and appropriate, but too much of it will push others away. Life is a lot about finding balance. If you are having a heart to heart with me, yes I will be like this. If you need advice or help, I will be like this. But if we are just hanging out at the lunch table, I will most likely just be a teenager. A wiser teenager, yes, but not 100 percent like my blog. This blog is me in my deepest and truest form, so it is a shame I cannot be like this all the time. After a while though, I would even be tired of my blog self. You also need to let go sometimes and just have fun. If I was like this all the time, it would make just having fun a bit harder. It is important in life to find when certain things are necessary. It is equally as important to know when they are not though.

Ask questions at the blog's formspring so we can keep this going. Do not be shy to ask me anything. I look forward to your future questions.


Friday, April 22, 2011

When Does Disappointment Become Predictability?

We all have that one thing in life we cannot seem to get past. Whether it be not fitting in, problems with trying to get a significant others, or anything else you can think of, this problem never seems to go away. Some might just call it bad luck, but honestly is it that? I find myself in a repeat of a situation I have had for at least two years now. I just do not seem to fit in with the people in the niche I am part of at school. I find myself rejected from the circle, and am use to it. Even so, I find myself disappointed even though I am not surprised. The question then is this. Does disappointment ever become predictability? You would think by now, the disappointment has gone away when things like this happen. Even though it does not effect me as much as it use to, it still does have an impact. The truth is this. Humans are vulnerable. No mater how strong they are, any comment will leave a mark on them somewhere. It might just be a scratch, but the impact is there. So even though, yes, I could have predicted the outcome of the situation (which I kind of did) it still did have an impact. So to make things short and sweet, I do not think it ever fully becomes predictability. People are stubborn sometimes and will not change their views on you. You can be fully prepared for the rejection, but no mater how hard you try, you will still feel some pain. It is up to you to wait for the people who really cherish you and do not take you for granted.We all physically age at the same rate, but mentally we are all at different paces.


Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Have You Ever

Have you ever walked outside after a rain storm? Have you ever let the smell of the surroundings take over your senses? Have you ever looked around and all you see is darkness? Have you felt surrounded in warmth despite the situation? Have you ever looked up and seen the reminiscent of the day still hanging? Have you ever seen clouds and pink against a dark black sky? Have you ever wondered how such an unnatural event still feels like it belongs? Have you ever let all the superficial things disappear? Have you ever just stood there and seen the answer to everything illuminated against a black sky? Have you ever felt the most alive and all knowing at a point when you are not visible to the world? Have you ever felt like nothing can destroy you, even when you realize you are small on the global scale? Have you ever only let that fuel you more to succeed? Have you ever stood there and let rain drops fall on your head because it is what connects you to what is true? Have you ever illuminated against a black filled sky?


Sunday, April 17, 2011

“We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have.”-Frederick Keonig

Saturday, April 16, 2011

I Need Some Sleep

"I Need Some Sleep"
The Eels

"I need some sleep
It can't go on like this
I tried counting sheep
But there's one I always miss
Everyone says I'm getting down too low
Everyone says you just gotta let it go
You just gotta let it go
You just gotta let it go

I need some sleep
Time to put the old horse down
I'm in too deep
And the wheels keep spinning 'round
Everyone says I'm getting' down too low
Everyone says you just gotta let it go
You just gotta let it go
You just gotta let it go

You just gotta let it go"

I am still finding myself tired, I just need some physical sleep. But most importantly, emotionally.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011


I love the rain. I love everything about it. The smell (it actually has a word to describe it, petrichor), the feel, the taste. As long as it is not downpour, it is wonderful. It is the perfect weather for you to sit in your bed and read a book. It also is perfect for thinking, and self discovery. I needed the rain. In fact, I think most people needed it. I recently have felt tired. Not physically tired, but emotionally. I feel drained. As a friend perfectly described it, "my soul is tried." I have just found myself putting so much energy and emotions into other thing than myself that I think I tired myself out. A lot of people, including myself, seem to be in a rut lately. We are all so over worked and busy, that none of us have thought about ourselves. We have neglected giving attention and love to ourselves that we are falling apart. The littlest things are getting to us and friendships are breaking because of it.

One of my favorite quotes is "you cannot love others until you love yourself," and I believe it is true. I as a person am always putting others first. I rarely take time to sit down and think "what do I need?" I get so caught up in making others happy and being there, I seem to forget about myself. A lot of people do this, and it results in frustration and tiredness, something I am feeling right now. You cannot help others unless you have helped yourself. It might sound selfish, but it is not. When it comes down to it, life is about one's survival and happiness. If they over look their own needs it is like watering a plant while dieing of thirst. You need the water first.

One other thing I love about rain is its healing power. It can cleanse oneself and release the soul. People always seem to be more open when it is raining. It can wash out the pain and suffering and take it away. However, it does replace it with happiness. Instead I believe it leaves a person with a chance to look at themselves and see what has been bothering them. For instance with me it was my lack of attention for myself. So allow the rain to open you up and see what is wrong, for it will not be here for long. Allow it to help you release the old and start anew. Do not start neglecting your friends, but take a few more minutes for yourself. Run through the rain for a bit, you never know what you might discover. Hopefully some kind of awakening.


Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Selling Out

I wanted to post this before people started getting mad at me. As you might have noticed in the last few days, I have made my blog more social. I have made a Facebook page and a Formspring for the blog, and am trying to "advertise" it as much as possible. The reason I am doing this is not due to "selling out" or going "mainstream." The reason I am doing this is because I have big plans for this blog. Like I said before, I am trying to make this blog into something more than a daily journal on me talking about the wins and losses of my day and life. Instead I plan on this being a learning tool for myself and others on the journey of life. I also have said before that I am an entertainer and the bigger the audience the better. As a response I am trying to get this blog out as much as possible. So I would like to thank you all for staying with me during this "iffy" transition. I have some ideas for this blog I am very happy about. For one is the self help section I am trying to start. To do this though I need questions, and the more people the better. So please ask if you have not yet (Formspring). I though do not want to leave this what made this blog great in my eyes. After this week expect less shameless plugs about Facebook pages and whatever. I promise you, it is all for the better. So thank you for hanging on, I promise you it will be wroth it.


Sunday, April 10, 2011

Connected Mortality/The Five People You Meet in Heaven

Recently, a girl at my school lost her mother. Her mother had been battling a disease for a long time, and finally the time had come. To show our support for her, many students, including myself, went to her funeral. The sight was beautiful. There were hundreds of people there, one coming as far as Spain. You could tell everyone loved her. The funeral was also beautiful in that the family had such strong faith and beliefs, that no one appeared sad or mournful, but instead celebrated her life and how she touched everyone. I had never met this women, but yet we all felt connected to her.

We have all played the same scenario in our head. We all wonder what it would be like if we passed away and were able to observe the outcome. We are interested in who we affected enough, or who cared for us enough, to come to our funeral. Who would cry, who would not care, who would celebrate our life, and who would mourn it. We all want to feel like we have affected everybody around us enough, that when we are gone they still remember us and care. It is why people give farewell speeches to their peers before they leave for college, or why we desperately try to make a name for ourselves before we move on. It is all due to the  human fear of being forgotten. None of us want to be forgotten, for once we are gone, memories are all people have of us.

I recently finished a book called "The Five People You Meet in Heaven" by Mitch Albom. The book deals with a man's death and the five lessons he learns after he passes away from five people who he affected in his life. The beauty though is, he did not even know who three of them were. One of the first lessons he learns is from a man he unconsciously caused the death of. The lesson he teaches the character is we are all connected.

"My funeral," the Blue Man said. "Look at the mourners. Some did not even know me well, yet they came. Why? Did you ever wonder? Why people gather when others die? Why people feel they should? It is because the human spirit knows, deep down, that all lives intersect. That death doesn't just take someone, it misses someone else, and in the small distance between being taken and being missed, lives are changed."

I am not a religious man. I never have been, and do not plan on being one. I do believe though that we are all connected by something. Humans I think have an energy that connects us all. Hence why we feel for others we, or we are drawn to a funeral for a woman we barely know. Though we went to that funeral to show support for her daughter, we all left feeling connected to her mother. My uncle passed away before I could start forming memories, and to this day I still feel like he is "here." I know he is gone, and has been for some time, but he has had an impact on me, even though I did not really know him. We are all connected in some way. We all impact each other. It might be big, or something as small as dropping a penny someone picks up later. We might not be aware of our impacts on each other, but in the end we never die. We pass on to somewhere else, but never less how small or unimpressive it was, we all have an impact on each other and are connected. We are never forgotten, just missed.