Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Paranoia/Control

I originally posted a new "Have You Ever" depicting myself feeling like a recent situation was my own fault. I decided to remove it due to being too depressing, too revealing, and not quite the style I want this blog to be. Awhile ago the "old" me might have posted that and as a response wanted attention because of it. I do not want this. In fact I removed it due to not wanting people to read it. Instead I thought I would venture more into the cause of my current state. This being paranoia.

Everyone can relate to paranoia. It is a common state of mind that people experience. This is one of the few states of being that I think has no good attached. It can help motivate a person to get something done, but that is about it. The rest of the time it is just a constant reminder that something is not quite right or not to your standard. Yes, this can cause you to change it, but with me at least, a lot of the situations are not ones I can change.

I am currently in a situation I am not quite comfortable with. I will not give details due to the amount of people who read this, but I feel like I do not have control. I feel like I have said some dumb stuff and as a result have jeopardized a possible situation. The truth is, I did nothing wrong. Yes, maybe I could have stated something differently or possible looked for different tactics to reach my goal, but what is done is done. In fact it is not even a big deal. There might be nothing wrong at all. The problem is my own paranoia is getting to me. I have a hard time not reaching my goals, even if it is not my fault. As humans though we can not accept that we are not at fault. We have spent so long being trained that it is our fault that the mere possibility that it is not seems out of place. It is easy to look at someone's situation and say "it is the other parties fault and I do not see why you cannot accept that." Though it might be true, take a moment to remember that when you are that person, it is hard for it not to be your fault. It is also due to a need to be in control of everything. If something is not our fault, in a weird sadomasochist way, we are not in control. We are egotistical creatures, and as a result all success and failures are based around us.

In fact no one might be at fault. Everything could be working out fine. The problem is when we as humans do not have reassurance about this, we internally start to over analyze. I seem to do this more than others, or at least I share it more than others. I start to think about what I could have done wrong and not what at I have done right. I am also letting past experiences label me. I seem to go against a lot of the points I make. I am not a hypocrite, just human. No one is perfect and we are all learning. I am especially. I think this blog is also a way for me to grow, and as a result hopefully help you grow also. Positive reinforcement is always more powerful than negative reinforcement, so I need to just sit back, and let things work out it self.

We cannot always have control and the mere thought of that is scary. It is like sailing into the sea without a steering wheel. People do not realize that you do not always need the wheel though. Just the sails to let the wind carry you.

-Brandon

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