Friday, April 29, 2011

Almost, Maine/Downside

In the spring our school does two main stage shows. I am currently in one, hence why I have been very busy. Tonight I saw the other show, "Almost, Maine." "Almost, Maine" is a collection of scenes that deal around love is the town Almost, Maine. The show covers most elements of love from new love, to the loss of love and anything in between. It was a great show and I am very proud of everyone in it. The show though is ultimately happy, but it has its moments of sadness. For instance in one scene two characters discuss their failing marriage and in the end the wife leaves him alone at an ice rink, despite making the audience think they might work through it. I would not call these moments sad though. In fact they were honest. I really loved the show in that it never felt unnatural. Though it got silly and at some points predictable, it still stayed true to basic emotions. The show also makes you think as an audience.

One scene starts with a couple sitting on a bench with the female talking about how she loves that they are so close. The man replies that they are technically as far away as they can be as if they go the other way there is a whole world in between them. The females stands up and walks away leaving the man on the bench. Throughout the show we see scenes of him just waiting there for her, hoping she will come back. In the end of the show, the female walks in from the other side of the stage and sits on the opposite side of him showing she walked around the world to be close to him.

Though the ending was happy, in a way it made me sad. I started to think about how many of us truthfully have others that would do that for us. Now I know it is not realistic to walk around the whole world just to be close to someone, but at the same time how many of us have that kind of intimacy. I know I do not. It saddens me. I know talking about the same problem over and over again does nothing to help it, but I cannot help it. I live a very happy life, but I ultimately feel used by girls. I also am tired of being alone and wished for once I did not have to do all the work to find something and try to make it work. I know a lot of it is based off of past childhood trauma, but it does not help ease the issue.

I talk about how I am a romantic. I never have though really discussed its bad side. Because romantics see the beauty and potentiality in anything, we always get hurt more. We take any opportunity as a sign, and when it does not work out we feel destroyed. We open ourselves up only to be rejected. This is why I cannot have random hook ups or anything like that for I crave the intimacy. I cannot do something if I do not feel or have that connection. Yes, it is not considered "manly" by society's culture, but then again when have I ever thought society has been right.

Maybe I hope someday girls will read this blog and start appreciating the romantic in every guy. Finding a decent relationship in high school is hard, and even harder when you are considered too mature regarding emotional intelligence. It is a shame most of us have to hide it. It shows vulnerability, but it also shows beauty. Like I said, in the end she walks in from the opposite side of the stage. The opposite direction of where he had been looking. Maybe that is my problem. I am looking in the wrong area.


Thursday, April 28, 2011

Benches- I am marlon

A beautiful photo by I am marlon. I love the use of turquoise in it and the reddish glow of the sun in the back ground. It creates a contrast and reminds us that there is beauty even after the sun is gone. There is beauty in even the darkest of times. It can also represent the coming of the sun and the bringing of light to show the beauty of the situation. What do you think?

I am pretty busy this week, but I will try to post something else by the end of the weekend. Like always submit questions at the blog's Formspring so I can answer your "burning" questions.


Sunday, April 24, 2011

Formspring Responses #1

As many of you may or may not remember, a few weeks ago I talked about an idea I was hoping to implement. I wanted to start a weekly response section where I either answered questions readers asked about me, or advice for themselves. Unfortunately, I only received a few and for a lack of words, they sucked. Within the past days though I finaly got a good one, so I can finally start this response section.

Q: In your blog, you are described as a hopeless romantic. To those around you (and I have been around you several times), you are not anything like the person you are inside your blog. So my question to you is why?

A: To clarify I call myself a "hopeful romantic" not a "helpless romantic." There is a difference. The reason I am not like the same person outside of the blog is because these are my deepest thoughts. This is where I am most open and as a response, philosophical. It is also where I can be most vulnerable. If I was like this all day, yes it would be nice, but after a while too much of anything becomes annoying. I have to find a good balance between just being a teenager and then the person I am in my blog. I am philosophical and a romantic when it is necessary and appropriate, but too much of it will push others away. Life is a lot about finding balance. If you are having a heart to heart with me, yes I will be like this. If you need advice or help, I will be like this. But if we are just hanging out at the lunch table, I will most likely just be a teenager. A wiser teenager, yes, but not 100 percent like my blog. This blog is me in my deepest and truest form, so it is a shame I cannot be like this all the time. After a while though, I would even be tired of my blog self. You also need to let go sometimes and just have fun. If I was like this all the time, it would make just having fun a bit harder. It is important in life to find when certain things are necessary. It is equally as important to know when they are not though.

Ask questions at the blog's formspring so we can keep this going. Do not be shy to ask me anything. I look forward to your future questions.


Friday, April 22, 2011

When Does Disappointment Become Predictability?

We all have that one thing in life we cannot seem to get past. Whether it be not fitting in, problems with trying to get a significant others, or anything else you can think of, this problem never seems to go away. Some might just call it bad luck, but honestly is it that? I find myself in a repeat of a situation I have had for at least two years now. I just do not seem to fit in with the people in the niche I am part of at school. I find myself rejected from the circle, and am use to it. Even so, I find myself disappointed even though I am not surprised. The question then is this. Does disappointment ever become predictability? You would think by now, the disappointment has gone away when things like this happen. Even though it does not effect me as much as it use to, it still does have an impact. The truth is this. Humans are vulnerable. No mater how strong they are, any comment will leave a mark on them somewhere. It might just be a scratch, but the impact is there. So even though, yes, I could have predicted the outcome of the situation (which I kind of did) it still did have an impact. So to make things short and sweet, I do not think it ever fully becomes predictability. People are stubborn sometimes and will not change their views on you. You can be fully prepared for the rejection, but no mater how hard you try, you will still feel some pain. It is up to you to wait for the people who really cherish you and do not take you for granted.We all physically age at the same rate, but mentally we are all at different paces.


Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Have You Ever

Have you ever walked outside after a rain storm? Have you ever let the smell of the surroundings take over your senses? Have you ever looked around and all you see is darkness? Have you felt surrounded in warmth despite the situation? Have you ever looked up and seen the reminiscent of the day still hanging? Have you ever seen clouds and pink against a dark black sky? Have you ever wondered how such an unnatural event still feels like it belongs? Have you ever let all the superficial things disappear? Have you ever just stood there and seen the answer to everything illuminated against a black sky? Have you ever felt the most alive and all knowing at a point when you are not visible to the world? Have you ever felt like nothing can destroy you, even when you realize you are small on the global scale? Have you ever only let that fuel you more to succeed? Have you ever stood there and let rain drops fall on your head because it is what connects you to what is true? Have you ever illuminated against a black filled sky?


Sunday, April 17, 2011

“We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have.”-Frederick Keonig

Saturday, April 16, 2011

I Need Some Sleep

"I Need Some Sleep"
The Eels

"I need some sleep
It can't go on like this
I tried counting sheep
But there's one I always miss
Everyone says I'm getting down too low
Everyone says you just gotta let it go
You just gotta let it go
You just gotta let it go

I need some sleep
Time to put the old horse down
I'm in too deep
And the wheels keep spinning 'round
Everyone says I'm getting' down too low
Everyone says you just gotta let it go
You just gotta let it go
You just gotta let it go

You just gotta let it go"

I am still finding myself tired, I just need some physical sleep. But most importantly, emotionally.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011


I love the rain. I love everything about it. The smell (it actually has a word to describe it, petrichor), the feel, the taste. As long as it is not downpour, it is wonderful. It is the perfect weather for you to sit in your bed and read a book. It also is perfect for thinking, and self discovery. I needed the rain. In fact, I think most people needed it. I recently have felt tired. Not physically tired, but emotionally. I feel drained. As a friend perfectly described it, "my soul is tried." I have just found myself putting so much energy and emotions into other thing than myself that I think I tired myself out. A lot of people, including myself, seem to be in a rut lately. We are all so over worked and busy, that none of us have thought about ourselves. We have neglected giving attention and love to ourselves that we are falling apart. The littlest things are getting to us and friendships are breaking because of it.

One of my favorite quotes is "you cannot love others until you love yourself," and I believe it is true. I as a person am always putting others first. I rarely take time to sit down and think "what do I need?" I get so caught up in making others happy and being there, I seem to forget about myself. A lot of people do this, and it results in frustration and tiredness, something I am feeling right now. You cannot help others unless you have helped yourself. It might sound selfish, but it is not. When it comes down to it, life is about one's survival and happiness. If they over look their own needs it is like watering a plant while dieing of thirst. You need the water first.

One other thing I love about rain is its healing power. It can cleanse oneself and release the soul. People always seem to be more open when it is raining. It can wash out the pain and suffering and take it away. However, it does replace it with happiness. Instead I believe it leaves a person with a chance to look at themselves and see what has been bothering them. For instance with me it was my lack of attention for myself. So allow the rain to open you up and see what is wrong, for it will not be here for long. Allow it to help you release the old and start anew. Do not start neglecting your friends, but take a few more minutes for yourself. Run through the rain for a bit, you never know what you might discover. Hopefully some kind of awakening.


Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Selling Out

I wanted to post this before people started getting mad at me. As you might have noticed in the last few days, I have made my blog more social. I have made a Facebook page and a Formspring for the blog, and am trying to "advertise" it as much as possible. The reason I am doing this is not due to "selling out" or going "mainstream." The reason I am doing this is because I have big plans for this blog. Like I said before, I am trying to make this blog into something more than a daily journal on me talking about the wins and losses of my day and life. Instead I plan on this being a learning tool for myself and others on the journey of life. I also have said before that I am an entertainer and the bigger the audience the better. As a response I am trying to get this blog out as much as possible. So I would like to thank you all for staying with me during this "iffy" transition. I have some ideas for this blog I am very happy about. For one is the self help section I am trying to start. To do this though I need questions, and the more people the better. So please ask if you have not yet (Formspring). I though do not want to leave this what made this blog great in my eyes. After this week expect less shameless plugs about Facebook pages and whatever. I promise you, it is all for the better. So thank you for hanging on, I promise you it will be wroth it.


Sunday, April 10, 2011

Connected Mortality/The Five People You Meet in Heaven

Recently, a girl at my school lost her mother. Her mother had been battling a disease for a long time, and finally the time had come. To show our support for her, many students, including myself, went to her funeral. The sight was beautiful. There were hundreds of people there, one coming as far as Spain. You could tell everyone loved her. The funeral was also beautiful in that the family had such strong faith and beliefs, that no one appeared sad or mournful, but instead celebrated her life and how she touched everyone. I had never met this women, but yet we all felt connected to her.

We have all played the same scenario in our head. We all wonder what it would be like if we passed away and were able to observe the outcome. We are interested in who we affected enough, or who cared for us enough, to come to our funeral. Who would cry, who would not care, who would celebrate our life, and who would mourn it. We all want to feel like we have affected everybody around us enough, that when we are gone they still remember us and care. It is why people give farewell speeches to their peers before they leave for college, or why we desperately try to make a name for ourselves before we move on. It is all due to the  human fear of being forgotten. None of us want to be forgotten, for once we are gone, memories are all people have of us.

I recently finished a book called "The Five People You Meet in Heaven" by Mitch Albom. The book deals with a man's death and the five lessons he learns after he passes away from five people who he affected in his life. The beauty though is, he did not even know who three of them were. One of the first lessons he learns is from a man he unconsciously caused the death of. The lesson he teaches the character is we are all connected.

"My funeral," the Blue Man said. "Look at the mourners. Some did not even know me well, yet they came. Why? Did you ever wonder? Why people gather when others die? Why people feel they should? It is because the human spirit knows, deep down, that all lives intersect. That death doesn't just take someone, it misses someone else, and in the small distance between being taken and being missed, lives are changed."

I am not a religious man. I never have been, and do not plan on being one. I do believe though that we are all connected by something. Humans I think have an energy that connects us all. Hence why we feel for others we, or we are drawn to a funeral for a woman we barely know. Though we went to that funeral to show support for her daughter, we all left feeling connected to her mother. My uncle passed away before I could start forming memories, and to this day I still feel like he is "here." I know he is gone, and has been for some time, but he has had an impact on me, even though I did not really know him. We are all connected in some way. We all impact each other. It might be big, or something as small as dropping a penny someone picks up later. We might not be aware of our impacts on each other, but in the end we never die. We pass on to somewhere else, but never less how small or unimpressive it was, we all have an impact on each other and are connected. We are never forgotten, just missed.


Saturday, April 9, 2011

Formspring Experiment

Today I would like to try something. As I have said before I love how the mind works. I love how it is a puzzle you must put together (or pull apart) one piece at a time. With that said I also enjoy the pleasure of helping people out. I always feel satisfied knowing I helped someone persevere through something and through it, learned something for myself. So I have decided to start a formspring. Formspring is a website where you can ask the user a question anonymously. I would like to start a weekly blog post where I answer questions either about myself, or help other through their own issues. Now I am not going to stop talking about my own life or philosophy on this blog and become a self help section in a school magazine. I just feel sometimes we need help through things, and if you think you can trust me enough or think I am wise enough to help you through some of your own problems (or just get to know me a little better), I would be honored.


Thursday, April 7, 2011

Autumn in Red

Though it is closer to summer than autumn now, this picture really speaks to me. I love the season of autumn (fall) and this picture seems to represent new beginnings and the journey up ahead. It always seems to represent calmness and beauty in the on going changes and awakening we all go through. It is beautiful and I sadly do not have the name of the person who took this beautiful picture, but he deserves a much earned great job.

I promise I will start writing more again . I miss the blog and my audience. I just needed some time for rest.


Sunday, April 3, 2011

“Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.”- Dr. Seuss

Friday, April 1, 2011

Naturally Expressing Emotions

I was going to wait a day or so to post this, but it has been bugging me. As you might have noticed my previous entry was emo and self pity to the extreme. I am not going to apologize for this. I got emotions out that I needed to and said some things I needed to say also. As a result though I have felt better than I have in a long time. Like I have said before sadness is needed for you to express, but after awhile it becomes too much and you only pull yourself down further. By allowing my emotions to come out, I feel great. I feel happy now knowing that people know how I felt. Not in a "so I can gain pity" way, but in that I do not feel alone anymore way. Being emo is one of the ways to really get down to your true emotions. Once down there you are allowed to work through them and, like a phoenix, rise from the ashes. It still is not easy being the nice guy, but that is nothing new. Like I said he wins in the long run, and I am looking forward to seeing the finish line.


My Current Status

I am going to write about myself for once. Most of the time my posts have something to do with me, but never really directly talk about myself. For once, I feel as though I need to explain myself. The best way to explain my current situation is with the essay (link) I posted yesterday. This has been my life pretty much. Recently I have felt lonely. I have felt lost with no one to hold onto. I know I have my friends and would like to thank them for being there for me. Everyone knows though that friends  cannot help with how you feel sometimes. Your thinking becomes irrational and you ignore the obvious. Yes, I know I am not alone, but I do feel alone. I find myself spending more time by myself lately. I find myself more vulnerable and weak. I have also found myself used and unappreciated. My whole life I have been the nice guy. I know someday it will pay off, but for now it only hurts. It is hard to find yourself helping people out, to only be thrown away and left alone. That is why I have mentioned relationships so much recently.

I am truly a romantic, but at the same time my loneliness has only made me want it more. When we are alone we desperately seek someone to help fill that void, or the wholeness I mentioned earlier. We want to feel wanted and loved again. I have had some girl issues within the past year and at this point it is not the girl's rejection that upsets me. It is the fact that I try to do everything right and put effort into something that only ends with a nice pat on the back as I watch them go off with someone else. I help them through situations that most would not, and am there to reassure them. So to be left without a proper thank-you at least makes me feel unappreciated and leaves me with a nice badge that says "friend zone." This is not new though, I have been feeling this for years now. Do not get me wrong though, I love the fact that I have female friends. At the same time it is a bummer when that is the only place you get to with females.

In all movies the nice guy wins in the end. Life is not two hours long though. It is years of a roller-coaster called "Trial and Error." I know my day will come, and I am not lying. I might not always be optimistic with the current situation, but I do believe in there being a light at the end of the tunnel. I might feel lonely and tired now, but one day I will find that "other" person. It will be a journey worth taking, even if it does not seem like it right now. The nice guy might not make it to the finish line first, but he will experience a lot more than anyone else.

"For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgment, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming."


Update: Since writing this I have felt a lot better and actually feel normal. Haven't felt this way in a while. So thank you for the support and for reading this. I will elaborate later.