Saturday, May 28, 2011

Afraid

This post is a response to a comment on a post I made a few days ago. Someone asked me a question. The question was simple and to the point. The question was "what are you afraid of?" The answer is quite a few things. We all have those little fears. Those fears that might appear stupid to others but are really scary to the person. Like for instance I am afraid of being robbed and snakes. They are small and dumb but I have them. Those fears do not run my life though.

I am afraid of bigger things on a more personal scale. I am afraid of pushing people away,  losing control, not being accepted, and ultimately being left alone. They are not creative fears, but they are fears I have the most. They all actually come from a simple thing that happened to me as a child. When I was little I had a friend. She was a girl and was truly my first love. We were best friends for years and hung out every day. Around the end of elementary school though she decided she needed more friends who were girls and simply just left me. I was devastated. My best friend, the girl I loved, just one day left. I was young though so I did not know what happened. As a result I thought it was my fault. I thought I did something wrong that pushed her away. I thought I was flawed. In reality I did not. I had no control over the situation. When my biological mother became sick with alcoholism, I thought it was once again me. This was merely a year or so after my best friend leaving so once again I thought I did something that pushed them away. Ever since I have had a fear of pushing people away and not having control. It is the reason I become paranoid while pursuing a girl. I think any action might push them away. I think everything is my fault whenever something goes wrong with a girl. I take all the blame and assume it was because I was too needy or too aggressive. I fight to have control to prevent this. I wish to be accepted so I feel like I am not flawed. I want love so I know someone is there for me who accepts me for who I am. Someone I can truly depend on at all time.

Now, I am not as bad as I use to be. I have learned to accept not everything is my fault or in my control, but it is hard. When you go through childhood trauma you want control so you can prevent heartbreak again. It is funny to think a lot of this was caused by one girl.....

-Brandon

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