Wednesday, July 27, 2011

A Shade Darker (a poem)

A Shade Darker
The world has turned,
What use to be cool
Now simply burns.

A Shade Darker
The soul has taken,
What use to seem fine
Is now mistaken.

A Shade Darker
My speech is facing,
What use to have life
Is now breaking.

A Shade Darker
The light is changing,
What use to be pure
Now is merely infection.

A Shade Darker
Is my perception,
What I try to perceive
Is beyond definition.

A Shade Darker
There is a connection,
To a confused heart
And a mental transition.

Just some emotions I needed to get out.


Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Bad Guys/Legos

During the process of "Chicago" a few guys and I had a recurring joke. We would constantly break into a song called "Nice Guys" (video). The whole song is about how nice guys finish last because girls only like bad guys. Though the video is comedic there is a bit of truth. I do not believe that nice guys finish last, but for the time being they certainly do not finish first. Through the process of thinking about this I came up with a pretty good analogy.

Guys are like a Lego set to girls. Nice guys are like the finished model while the bad guys are like the pieces. Though the nice guys are what girls want, girls do not get the gratification of putting it together. Girls get to put bad guys together though. There will be frustration, maybe finding a piece or two is missing along the way, and even having to change sets entirely due to there being no way it can ever be put together, but in the end if they succeed they get the gratification that they created it. It was not created for them. The two ending models might be the same (maybe a piece different here and there) but the process of getting there is what intrigues the girl.

I like to believe people become more mature and realize that it is not the building that matters but what you do when the model is finished (whether they just put it on a shelf or actually have interest still in it). For the time being it sucks, an opinion I have expressed very much. Being a nice guy does not mean you are flawless, but rather you put others before you and know how to truly care. Life is a long race and one day the balance will change. As someone once told me "bad guys are the ones girls want to date, but the nice guys are who they want to marry." I know all girls do not share this thought but most of the girls I have known do. Is it fair nice guys get to miss out on a lot for the time being? No it is not. It is frustrating and hurts. As long as you continue to care and write sonnets and all those romantic things though one day someone will realize that is life's true calling. After all isn't love what keeps us going?


Sunday, July 24, 2011


I know when I started this blog I made a promise to not discuss anything too personal as it ruins the idea of my blog being able to pertain to everyone and that it just becomes an average journal. I must break this promise though because it needs to be done.

I just finished a production of "Chicago" that ran for four shows and had a month of daily rehearsals. To sum things up it was fantastic. The show was good for sure and it gave me a chance to really shine as a character actor, but that is not why the show was so special. The fact I cried for a good 15 minutes driving home after dropping off two of my friends for the last time is only a testament to how much I loved this show. Rarely do you get to work with a group of actors so talented but also so kind. From day one the group was accepting and loving.

Though I enjoy theater at my school I have always felt limited by it. Due to the fact I came in mid way through high school instead of the beginning I always felt like I never got a chance to be myself. Though many people in my theater are nice, they can be judgmental and as a result I never have been truly myself. The past month though I have been nothing but myself. For once I felt like I had no limitations. Yes there was a moment here and there of stupidity (and a situation that I was kicking myself about), but never did I feel like I was not myself. People liked me for who I was and no feeling is better. Everyone was supportive and always there for each other. So many friends were made that I hope I do not lose. I was able to be open to people I had not known for a while, and was able to share without judgment.

As I left alone in my car after dropping my two friends off, I could not help but cry. I was going to miss everything about the cast. Most importantly the love and acceptance of each other. I knew it was an experience that was going to be hard to find again but as I looked at the stars I could not help but think it can be found again. The beauty over took me and as the memories came back and the happiness I felt during the show the tears started to roll down. I was going to miss it too much.

I could go on and on for a long time about how much this show and the people meant to me but I do not wish to bore you. To make a super long emotional story short, thank you to everyone involved. You have given me the best theater experience in my life and reminded me to be myself. Though my exit music was played, I never left the stage. Though the last tear drop has fallen, the memories carry on.

"Good, isn't it?
Grand, isn't it?
Great, isn't it?
Swell, isn't it?
Fun, isn't it...
But nothing stays
In fifty years or so
It's gonna change, you know
But, oh, it's heaven

Thank you and much love. I can never return to you what you have given to me.


Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Good Morning and Good Night (a poem)

Good Morning and Good Night.
Despite the differences of dark and light,
I still find myself somewhere not quite right.
Good Morning and Good Night.

Good Morning and Good Night.
Though I am reacting because of fright,
I hope someday I will find the sight.
Good Morning and Good Night.

Good Morning and Good Night.
Though I promised the world and all my might,
The answers I still get are very tight.
Good Morning and Good Night.

Good Morning and Good Night.
I still search to find what's mine,
Only to see it come untwined.
Good Morning and Good Night.

Good Morning and Good Night.
Though the truth is in the light,
I will still try to fight tonight.
Good Morning and Good Night.

I would give an explanation of the poem, but what poet ever clearly leads the way?


Saturday, July 16, 2011


It seems to be whenever someone views their life they seem to be the hero. They seem to be the one that fights the evil, represents the good, and destroys the bad. They are the one with everyone's (minus the bad guy's) best interest at mind. They are the knight in shinning armor. What happens if you are not the hero but rather the villain? What if you view your life through the eyes of someone else and see what you are doing is selfish and destroying something someone might not possible want to destroy. What if you are the one knocking down a wall that does not seem to want to be destroyed? The wall might have a sign saying it wants to be destroyed, but if the owner does not allow you are you at fault for attempting anyway? Is it your fault that the owner had mix feelings but you decided getting rid of it was for the best because you will have a view of everything beautiful past the wall? Is it bad to assume that the owner will see the result as more beautiful? Are you the villain or the hero in disguise?


Sunday, July 10, 2011

The Idea of a Man

What is a man? According to the dictionary it is "an adult male," and a male is defined as a human with one X and one Y chromosome instead of two X ones. In the dictionary manly is defined as "having or denoting those good qualities traditionally associated with men, such as courage and strength." That is the text book definition of what a manly male is. A person with a Y and X chromosome who has male traits such as courage and strength. My question is why has society screwed up such a basic definition to almost unreachable standards.

In today's society to be manly you have to be tough, like sports, athletic, strong, and etc. The image of being manly has become totally askew. Usually I would not care about this. I have gone through my period of trying to be "manly." In the process I almost lost all my friends and myself. It was a dumb period that I am ashamed I did, but I felt so "wrong." I felt bad that I rather take an acting class than play football or watch a few movies with some friends instead of going out and partying. At the time (about 4 years ago) I was ashamed of this. However now I am not. It is who I am and I have no problem with that. My problem is that because of this I do not fit the deinition of manly and then fall into categories that I am not. The most prominent being gay.

Now first off I have nothing against people being gay. One of my best friends is and this has never changed my views on him. I only have a problem when people falsely judge me and put me automatically into a category that I am not. I will be the first to admit that I am not the most "manly" looking guy when compared to today's standards. I am tall and slender and do not have a whole lot of muscle. I am lean, but not built. I also am open about my emotions and have no problem being there for people and enjoy theater and so on and so forth. Just because I am not "manly" though does not mean I automatically must be gay. It is a first impression most get of me and is a big reason I know of why I can fall into the friend zone. It is very upsetting. Does it make me any less of a man that I enjoy writing about the world and my feelings on a blog instead of watching a sport's game? The answer is no. I am not saying that people who are gay are less than of a man, but unfortunately society does not always have the same views as me. The fact someone can think I am gay and when they learn I am not still believe I am and am just lying to myself is hurtful (this has happened to me before).

The fact that while writing this blog post I am thinking "gosh this is only going against my point because I am being pretty feminine" is just sad. Why does society have to be so ignorant and narrow minded? I have no problem with who I am, but it is hard when first impressions of me are completely off. Being a man use to mean being a gentleman, a definition I try to live by. Being a man now just means being strong and big and showing no fear, kind of like a brick wall.


Sunday, July 3, 2011

The Movies

A man walks into a party. He is awkward and shy. He quietly sits by himself until a girl shows up. The girl is lively and full of energy. She shows interest in him. They walk away together. They fall in love. The end.

Now if that sounded like a movie to you it is because it was. How often in life does a girl find interest in the awkward one sitting at a party? Especially an attractive foreign girl. The answer is not very often from what I have seen. It never seems to happen this way. Everyone is aware of it, yet I am still drawn to films like "Beginners" and "500 Days of Summer" though the practicality of anything ever happening like it does in those movies are slim to none. Yes the break up is truly believable, but the chances of the awkward emotional guy finding love within seconds never seems to happen. I guess I really just love the idea of love. I have talked before about why I love the idea of love so I will not repeat. The movies just make it seem to easy. Yes there is heartbreak so it seems believable but what are the chances of a completely opposite girl finding interest in a guy at first glance. I leave those movies in a bit of a confused emotional state. I just want love to be that easy. I want the foreign girl to like my awkwardness and have a dog that speaks through subtitles. I want the feelings of bliss within seconds of meeting each other. I want the feeling of "the one" within the first few dates. Love is not easy though and I know that. It is nice to think that sometimes it could work out well so easily and fast without forcing something that is not there. It is a long shot I know and makes me a definition romantic to the extreme, but a man can believe can't he? I think the subtitled dog is plausible though. 


Saturday, July 2, 2011

Update/Recurring Nightmare

Hey I am back. Actually I have been back for almost a week now but I am finding myself in another writer's block. It just needs time to past but I feel bad that I have not posted anything in over a week so I am going to talk about a little something that happened.

Everyone has a recurring nightmare. For some it could be drowning, being chased, or being naked in a store. It is our worst fears that our subconscious brings to life. Though I have had all sorts of recurring nightmares (especially being chased) I have one that appears more than others.

I am at a theater of some sort, usually back stage. Just as I am trying to grasp what is going on someone tells me I must go onstage to perform a role or cover for someone. I never know the lines and start freaking out. I get scared and nauseous. It is a pretty basic nightmare. It is just a typical case of not feeling prepared and not ready to perform. It is awful to be onstage and not know a line. I had the same nightmare last night but it was different.

Instead of me freaking out, I went onstage and just improved my lines even though I had no idea what the show was about. It turned out to be a success and the audience loved me. Though it might seem not that important maybe this is a sign I am moving on past old fears and taking more chances. Just food for thought....

I apologize once again for the lack of posts, but I figured just posting more pictures would be cheap. I will try to write more once I can. You can ask questions at my Formspring which will help me think of more ideas and give you answers.