Sunday, August 28, 2011

Canvas

"Enjoy heaven while you can, for eventually every angel must fall back to Earth and face the world again."

A line I recently wrote about the inevitability of life. How life always comes back around, how the good will balance out the bad, how every sea will have times of calm and storms. Life honestly is not a complicated thing, it is us who makes it complicated. We as humans make something so basic, something so vital all the more complicated. We make the bads, the goods, the ups, the downs, the shocks, and the relief. We create what is around us. No mater how different we think we all are though we make life inevitable. We are bound to create the whites and blacks and all the gray that is in between. If you take control though you can change the gray to any color you like.

I guess my advice is just be ready for it. Always be prepared. If something is bad try your hardest to believe that good is coming along because it is. Remember that life honestly is nothing complicated, we just make it that way. We make our own hells and chose to live in it. We also though can make our own happiness. It is all about the power of oneself. If you chose not to have the inevitability of the good coming to an end then you can do it. Life might have given you the canvas but you get to chose what colors you use.

-Brandon

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Journey

Once again that time of year has come. The time when summer ends and the school year begins. It is a time of sadness, excitement, confusion, frustration, and curiosity. It is a time of not wanting to leave the past, but yet wanting to see what lies before us. A time of discovery but leaving the comfortable. A time of reentering the norm but a time of change.

As exciting as this time can be, it can also be hard. A lot of people like to look back on things they have done and analyze it. With the end of summer comes the analyzing with the goal of seeing if you did everything you wanted. That is why people complain summer is too short. Not because it is, but because we hesitate too long to do what we wanted. It is hard not to feel like we spent too many days sitting at home when we could have been with other people exploring the world and doing something productive. As we enter the new "year" there are still questions unanswered and disappointments that haunt us. There is also the fear and anxiety of the the future. How will the year go? Will I enjoy it? Will I succeed? Will I do everything I want to do? People say you cannot live in the past or see the future and even though that is true we sure try too. We waste energy on the unobtainable instead on the present. We want what we cannot have anymore or yet.

I love phases of the day analogies. As cliche as they may seem they are the most truthful. Nothing is ever completely light and nothing is ever completely dark. There will be the inevitability of the other entering your life eventually. I view the end of summer like a sunset. Though the fun and light is leaving the night brings a different kind of beauty and eventually the sunrise. Though there might be the drag of school returning it will bring something beautiful with it. Yes it will bring bad things also, but everything is a two sided coin. You just have to learn to only focus on one side.

As we exit the summer we also leave with all the good experiences we had. All the places we experienced, all the friends we made, all the risks we took. Though we remember the disappoint for a bit it is always the positive that stay with us. Remember what you accomplished not that you did think it went by too fast. We must close the door that was summer and walk into the field of new opportunities. It will be a new journey. It might seem scary because for most of us it is closer to end, which is good and bad. Though it might seem mundane, dull, and just a requirement to get through life do not let it go by. Stay present and make the most of the ride. Besides all journeys have some reward at the end.

-Brandon

Monday, August 15, 2011

Decisions

Life is full of  decisions. Heck everything a person does is a decision. Though some are bigger than other it is how we treat our decisions that make us who we are. It is how we learn and grow as humans. We learn from trial and error by seeing what worked and what did not work for us and our surroundings. A lot of the time though these decisions are not easy. The human is afraid for the most part of hurting others. Society has taught us that hurting others is a bad thing, which I believe is true. There is also the aspect though that when it comes down to it, it is your life and your well being. If you are being hurt by the decision you make, why are you making it?

Earlier I asked the question of why do I continue to want something that is only going to hurt me. Why would I continue to pursue something that will most likely end badly? Why do I want to see myself get hurt? If this thing hurt so much what point was there of holding onto it? The answer is I should not. If something is not treating you well why would you still want it? You might believe it is truly the only way to happiness but the reality is sometimes it is not. If things are meant to be they will happen, but why hurt yourself because you are afraid of going back to the beginning. Sometimes you have to hit restart. A person can run into a wall all they want but the truth is that it will not fall down. It will stand there as sturdy as it was before. The person on the other hand, will be tired emotionally and physically. It hurts not knowing what could have possible been behind the wall, but why face unnecessary pain for just a hope for something when there are plenty of other treasures to find. Treasures that require no pain to get them. It might not seem like it at the time, but I promise you there is. A person has to make the decision to move on to help themselves. They will have the wanting to go back and try again, but if they have given it all they could the first time, why would it work the second? It might be scary to have to face the process of starting all over again but it sure beats the pain, and besides the experience will only make you wiser for the next time.

-Brandon

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Bad Medicine

Rocker and seemingly immortal Jon Bon Jovi has a song called "Bad Medicine." The song is about the pain and warning that comes with falling in love with someone. Though not a great song in my opinion, in it there is a line that goes "Your love is like bad medicine. Bad medicine is what I need." Though the person's love is not good for you, it seems to be the only cure, much like a double edged sword. You are aware of how it will hurt you, but you cannot resist. You need it.

I think of myself very much in a situation like this. As the previous few blog posts have said there is a girl. I will not bother you with the details all over again but it has pretty much gotten to a standpoint now. I am waiting for her to still make a decision. I am trying to be optimistic but with so much more going on in my life it is hard to not lose interest and hope. I am fine with this, but every time we hang out I get completely dragged back in and cannot stop thinking about her. I then end up feeling hurt because I then face the realization of the situation afterwords and must fall from my high. I get frustrated and confused because I do not feel like she is being fair to me. There is nothing wrong with meaningless flirting, but it takes a whole new light when there is meaning behind it. All I want is an answer even if it is "things cannot work right now." In a way I feel used. I am aware this is going to happen so why do I let it continue?

Why do I continue to let myself feel used? Why do I let myself continue to get hurt? Why do I not just end it and save me some time and effort? I am not the only one who feels like this. I have friends who are in very similar situations. We all tell each other what to do, but do not listen to our own advice. We tell each other to end it, but when it then comes to our own situations we do nothing about it. It is not like we enjoy the pain. I think it is because we are overly optimistic. We seem to think that if you grab the rose by the thorns constantly, eventually you will forget the pain or the thorns will fall off. It is like running into a brick wall over and over again. It has to break eventually, right? The answer is no, and I think that is what we are afraid of. We are holding onto the slightest bit of light we have left, even though the sun went down hours ago. We do not want to face the dark because that is the norm. We want to feel like we have accomplished something for as long as we can. Feel like karma is rewarding us when really we should let go.

I am still sitting at my metaphorical bus station waiting for my bus. I am pretty sure the bus will not come but if it does I will probably not be happy about where the final destination is. Yet I still wait here in the rain, the snow, the heat, and the cold. I stay because every so often the weather turns pleasant and that is what I remember.  Is is worth sitting through days of storms for an hour of sunshine? No it is not. I should get up and find a new bus, which I know I will sooner than later. For the time being though I sit here waiting. Hoping that eventually the bus will at least let me know where the final destination is.

-Brandon

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Spine

In movies there is always a scene where the main character looks down and out. Everything looks awful and it looks like there will be way out of it. Something happens though and the character has a revelation and despite the odds he gets back up and fights for his cause. He "grows a spine."

After my last post about me being a Nameless Cowboy, I had the same revelation. As my previous post explained there was a girl, I like this girl, but decided not fighting for my cause was the best for her. Though I thought the post was very well written and personally one of my favorites, afterwords I still felt empty. Usually after I write a post whatever I was feeling regarding the situation relieves and I move forward. I however could not move past the feelings I still felt of disappointment and "what if?" I then had a moment of brilliance and realized what was wrong. If I liked her so much why did I not fight? Why did I simply stop just because I feel like it was my duty? Why did I not make it clear why I thought we were good for each other? Why did I simply just turn off the lights again and walk to another town? As a new found passion flooded me, I took a leap of faith and once again told her how I felt. The only difference being this time I pushed for us and was completely honest.

Now as of right now the results are no different. I however could not be happier with what I did. I fought for what I believed in and wanted and did not let my fears pull me down or redirect my course. I was honest, open, and most importantly myself. I was able to be more offensive without losing my kindness and caring for her. I said what I truly believed and did fight. I could not be more proud of how I handled it. I pushed for what I thought was true without having to attack the other parties. I remained the bigger man. I do not know however if things will work in my favor, but at least I can say that I tried and said it as it was.

The moral of the story is fight for what you believe in and what you want. It is cliche, I know, but it is the truth. You cannot be disappointed with yourself if you tried your hardest. If you truly care for someone or want something do not back down because of a challenge. However never lose yourself. If you lose yourself you have a chance of only causing more damage. You have to remain present and yourself or not you will push people away. You might still be disappointed with the result you get, but at least it was nothing you did. If you have feelings for something fight, do not give up. I might still be a Nameless Cowboy, but for once I did not leave without my presence known. I could list off more cliches like how you miss 100 percent of the shots you do not take, but I think you get the point. Be strong, be yourself, and be present.

An optimistic blog post, this has not happened in a while...

-Brandon

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Nameless Cowboy

It is funny how after whenever I write an "Update" post I somehow miraculously end whatever it was that was holding me back. Of course this time it was a girl. There was a girl, I liked girl girl liked me. Girl had a boyfriend though so she was conflicted on what to do. After talking and debating what she should do for hours I shot myself in the heart and told her to stay with her boyfriend. Was it what I wanted? Of course not. Was it what she wanted? To be honest I am not sure, but at least I know she will not lose anymore sleep over it. There you go again, the curse of the nice guy. I put others before me and put what I need aside. I could have convinced her that I was what she wanted, but I did not because I did not feel it was right. She was so conflicted that I just wanted her to make a decision that would allow her to be alright. In the end the decision that was the easiest was obviously the one I was not a part of.

To be honest though I was afraid. It was the closest I think I have gotten to a relationship in a while. Though I have been on a date here and there, none of them got very serious. Maybe it was a fear because we did not live as close as I did with other girls, perhaps. I truly believe it was because I believed something could happen and the way I think is that I want what I cannot have and do not want what I can have. I think I was genuinely close to having what I could have and this scared me. Maybe that is why I did not argue my case as much as I should have, but I just did not feel it was right. If she wanted to be with she would have been with me. I did not need to fight for her affection. Feelings are naturally created not forced upon. I was not going to sit there and criticize her boyfriend, a man I met once, to prove I am the better man because I would not be. For once I had no control over what happened. The hurt will heal but I cannot help but be upset with the fact that I hurt myself. Maybe I did not shoot the gun, but I sure helped aim it at myself.

I once asked if I was the hero or the villain and I have decided I am neither. If I was the hero I would have saved her, if I was the villain I would have forced her to do something she did not want to do. Instead I am the nameless cowboy. I am the man who turns off all the lights in a city before I leave. I am the first one there, but the last to leave. I am the force people know but will never name or be aware of fully. People might sometimes notice what I do and appreciate it, but for most of the time it is for granted. I will always be there to help, but will somehow not feel whole. I will wander from city to city looking to help but am truly looking for a place to call home. Looking back on it I am still very upset with what I did. Any good romantic would have fought until the end. I gave up though just to be the nice guy. I helped her decide on what we needed but possible not what we wanted. I know my time will come but I hate being aware of the future and not the present. People say my day will come but then I only focus on the future, and if that is where I look all the time it will never become the present.

-Brandon

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Issue Address/Update

I would like to take this post just to address a thing or two. One thing that has often come to my attention in feedback that I get is that I seem to group women together in one group and make assumptions. I would like to take this time to address this. For one I never meant for this blog to be a criticism of women. This blog is merely my thoughts and ideas based off my own experiences. Unfortunately most of my experiences have not been with the nicest of girls. Though I do have a lot of friends who are girls that I trust more than some of my guy friends, you always remember the bad over the good. So when I make statements as girls want the bad guys, there are obviously exceptions to the rule. So to my female readers please do not feel as if I am bashing you.

Secondly as any blog post that has the title "Update" in it, this is the part where I explain that I am not dead and am merely in the middle of something. Though I do not feel comfortable sharing to the world right now what is going on it is merely me just waiting for someone to find something they are looking for. Though it is cryptic, I know, I promise to explain more once it is over. Though I probably will not be writing anything about myself soon I would really love to answer some of your questions. So please ask questions at the blog's Formspring (link) and I will address them in my next post. Thank you once again for the patience. Believe me I know how much patience can wear on someone. Sometimes though you have to deal with it if you want the best possible outcome. Patience is like they say the greatest of virtues.

-Brandon