Rocker and seemingly immortal Jon Bon Jovi has a song called "Bad Medicine." The song is about the pain and warning that comes with falling in love with someone. Though not a great song in my opinion, in it there is a line that goes "Your love is like bad medicine. Bad medicine is what I need." Though the person's love is not good for you, it seems to be the only cure, much like a double edged sword. You are aware of how it will hurt you, but you cannot resist. You need it.
I think of myself very much in a situation like this. As the previous few blog posts have said there is a girl. I will not bother you with the details all over again but it has pretty much gotten to a standpoint now. I am waiting for her to still make a decision. I am trying to be optimistic but with so much more going on in my life it is hard to not lose interest and hope. I am fine with this, but every time we hang out I get completely dragged back in and cannot stop thinking about her. I then end up feeling hurt because I then face the realization of the situation afterwords and must fall from my high. I get frustrated and confused because I do not feel like she is being fair to me. There is nothing wrong with meaningless flirting, but it takes a whole new light when there is meaning behind it. All I want is an answer even if it is "things cannot work right now." In a way I feel used. I am aware this is going to happen so why do I let it continue?
Why do I continue to let myself feel used? Why do I let myself continue to get hurt? Why do I not just end it and save me some time and effort? I am not the only one who feels like this. I have friends who are in very similar situations. We all tell each other what to do, but do not listen to our own advice. We tell each other to end it, but when it then comes to our own situations we do nothing about it. It is not like we enjoy the pain. I think it is because we are overly optimistic. We seem to think that if you grab the rose by the thorns constantly, eventually you will forget the pain or the thorns will fall off. It is like running into a brick wall over and over again. It has to break eventually, right? The answer is no, and I think that is what we are afraid of. We are holding onto the slightest bit of light we have left, even though the sun went down hours ago. We do not want to face the dark because that is the norm. We want to feel like we have accomplished something for as long as we can. Feel like karma is rewarding us when really we should let go.
I am still sitting at my metaphorical bus station waiting for my bus. I am pretty sure the bus will not come but if it does I will probably not be happy about where the final destination is. Yet I still wait here in the rain, the snow, the heat, and the cold. I stay because every so often the weather turns pleasant and that is what I remember. Is is worth sitting through days of storms for an hour of sunshine? No it is not. I should get up and find a new bus, which I know I will sooner than later. For the time being though I sit here waiting. Hoping that eventually the bus will at least let me know where the final destination is.