It is funny how after whenever I write an "Update" post I somehow miraculously end whatever it was that was holding me back. Of course this time it was a girl. There was a girl, I liked girl girl liked me. Girl had a boyfriend though so she was conflicted on what to do. After talking and debating what she should do for hours I shot myself in the heart and told her to stay with her boyfriend. Was it what I wanted? Of course not. Was it what she wanted? To be honest I am not sure, but at least I know she will not lose anymore sleep over it. There you go again, the curse of the nice guy. I put others before me and put what I need aside. I could have convinced her that I was what she wanted, but I did not because I did not feel it was right. She was so conflicted that I just wanted her to make a decision that would allow her to be alright. In the end the decision that was the easiest was obviously the one I was not a part of.
To be honest though I was afraid. It was the closest I think I have gotten to a relationship in a while. Though I have been on a date here and there, none of them got very serious. Maybe it was a fear because we did not live as close as I did with other girls, perhaps. I truly believe it was because I believed something could happen and the way I think is that I want what I cannot have and do not want what I can have. I think I was genuinely close to having what I could have and this scared me. Maybe that is why I did not argue my case as much as I should have, but I just did not feel it was right. If she wanted to be with she would have been with me. I did not need to fight for her affection. Feelings are naturally created not forced upon. I was not going to sit there and criticize her boyfriend, a man I met once, to prove I am the better man because I would not be. For once I had no control over what happened. The hurt will heal but I cannot help but be upset with the fact that I hurt myself. Maybe I did not shoot the gun, but I sure helped aim it at myself.
I once asked if I was the hero or the villain and I have decided I am neither. If I was the hero I would have saved her, if I was the villain I would have forced her to do something she did not want to do. Instead I am the nameless cowboy. I am the man who turns off all the lights in a city before I leave. I am the first one there, but the last to leave. I am the force people know but will never name or be aware of fully. People might sometimes notice what I do and appreciate it, but for most of the time it is for granted. I will always be there to help, but will somehow not feel whole. I will wander from city to city looking to help but am truly looking for a place to call home. Looking back on it I am still very upset with what I did. Any good romantic would have fought until the end. I gave up though just to be the nice guy. I helped her decide on what we needed but possible not what we wanted. I know my time will come but I hate being aware of the future and not the present. People say my day will come but then I only focus on the future, and if that is where I look all the time it will never become the present.